Friday, September 21, 2018
Home About Me: The Wife Expert…

About Me: The Wife Expert…

Me
I am The Wife Expert.

Marriage.  Ugh.

What do you think?

If you are here on this page, chances are you are going to say, “Tough…hard…shitty.”

You may even be wondering:
Is it worth it?
How do I stay when it/he sucks the big ass wad?
Is there something better out there for me?
So much to say yet so little space here.

To answer the above?  Yes, yes and yes.

Yes it’s worth it.  Specially if you have kids.  This man, this guy, this dad of your kids will be in your life for…like…well…ever.  The best thing you can do for you, him and the little people you created together is to figure out your marriage mess with him.  (There is lots more to this one-line response, but that’s my go to answer. ALWAYS.

Yes you can stay.  It’s super hard and a pain in the ass but if can you pull it off and do all the right things – go back to the first question and repeat: yes, it’s worth it.

Yes there is something better out there for you.  Many, many other options are out there for you…that may even feel better at the time.  And they may even be better in the long run.  But your marriage with your kids dad may be better in the long run too if you hang in there…and that marriage has the kids packed inside it as well.  So if you are doing a math problem here…  The bottom line on this one is…if all things are equal: Kids in the package=stay.

It’s easy to leave, run, pack and go.  It’s hard to stay because then you have to deal with emotions, rejection, the truth, what you did wrong, what he did wrong…blah, blah, blah. It’s a pain but….if you can get through it…and suck up your ego, your life could soar.

But since you did come here…to TheWifeExpert.com…I’m going to guess you have thoughts:
I want to stay…
I want to be with my current man…
I want to begin a life of love and happiness and fun?
I want fun…where did the fun go?

I was there.  And being so so so so (did I say so?) unsatisfied with the help I was getting out there in the world, I went back to school and became a Marriage (Wife) coach to help others thru the mucky hell I went through for years (alone).

I help women in marriage distress all day long.  Be it a quick phone call or 10 minute text, I help women get back on track.

Here’s how it works:

Together we come up with a goal, then how to accomplish it.  There is tactics, strategy and even a little homework…all to keep you on track toward your goal.  I’m the only coach doing such a strategy and it works.  Read my testimonials from past clients.

**Divorce is expensive and painful, both physically and mentally.  Don’t do it.  Why not save the oodles of money you will have to spend for a lawyer, divorce and mental therapy and instead just get help now to learn the right tools to save your marriage and your family from implosion.

Call Rates:
15 mins: $23
30 Mins: $45
60 Mins: $85

Texting Rates:
Available for certain situations.

EMAIL:  the wife expert @ gmail . com  (see all the spaces?  Take them out to email me!)

Please note:
1) You and you alone can change the direction of your marriage or relationship.
2) Sessions can be about anything: questions, problems, solutions to situations.
3) In person, Skype or phone call.

Remember:
You control your destiny.  Not him.  What happens is this.  We mirror each other’s behavior.  Because couples mirror each other.  If one is hiding information…the other will feel it and do the same.  Then the two start the blame game and score card appears and tallies are taken.  “I do everything…”  “It’s her fault…”

We get defensive, deny and start the cycle that never seems to end.

Someone has to end it. Not the marriage.  The bull shit.

Cause there is bull shit.  Piles of it.  Going to be angry adds to the pile.  The negative hate talk that circles your head all night long tops the pile.

Its all about you.  It’s all about what you say to yourself when you are alone with your head.  If you stay positive about your marriage and your husband and have talk going on in your head that is good, you will find hope, peace and love.

If that talk is negative, horrid and husband-bashing-isa, then that’s where you will go in your relationship.

Perhaps it will help you know more about me…

My Story

 

As of the day I am writing this, I have been married for 20 mostly pretty awesome years.

I met my future hubby when I was 25.  But, I was not interested.  He was very nice, sweet and a great potential “future” great guy to marry.  But not date.  At the time I was not ready to marry.  Anyone.  He didn’t agree.  And his relentless pursuit and persistence to have me in his life, led us down a path of being the best of friends, and years later, his wife.

Several years into dating, we relocated to New Zealand for two years and he asked me to marry him.  Together we set on an incredible adventure that was just “us.”  Our friendship blossomed without any interference of family/friends and our love grew even more as we took in every moment and every free opportunity to explore the other side of the planet together.  Two years later, we returned to LA, bought a home and gave birth to our first of three children.

I was so happy.  Life was amazing.  Money was decent and the church we joined was so full of life that the friends we made were quickly considered family.  Then one day my hubby came to me, “We have a good marriage….I want to have a great marriage…”  Personally I’d already thought we had a great marriage, but if my hubby was having doubts and needed me to join him on anything to make him feel happy and secure, I was in 100%.

His suggestion?  “Therapy…”

Done!  Whatever he needed, I am there.  I was born of hope.  Even after an argument, I may walk away frustrated and wanting him to see things my way, but hours later I’d find a way to see the good in him and our relationship.

Yet, therapy made me feel like I did in Catholic Grammar School.  Every three months we had confession during classtime…where we had to confess what we did wrong “since our last confession…”  I was a good kid.  I didn’t do much wrong.  So every confession day I had to come up with three things that I did wrong: “Bless me father for I have sinned, it’s been about 3 months since my last confession….I disobeyed my Mom and Dad (that was a given) and told lies to my brother (that too)…and I…”  This was where I got stuck. While I usually recycled the first two over and over…the last sin was always a wild-card-fill-in-the-blank-thing.  Sometimes I’d throw in a little, “We didn’t go to church on Sunday..”, “I lied to my teacher…” and “I had impure thoughts (that covered a lot of a 13 year old right?)”  Of course I never actually did any of those things, I just figured if I made up a couple of really good sins here and there, God would give me extra points for all the stuff I did that I just forgot about.

I did the same type of “list” thing before going to therapy.  Only it wasn’t what “I” was doing wrong but what “he” was doing wrong.  (Cause you know, I’m perfect right??) Sadly for me, my husband has this incredible memory of keeping track of details, dates and times of things I did that upset him.  Not only did I not have a list, I barely remembered what I had for breakfast.  Was it selective memory or did I just not care because little spats weren’t a big deal anyway?

Then in therapy, he would bring up a fight we had and I’d literally have to have him explain it to me so I could understand why we were arguing.  What’s worse?  Since I didn’t remember these arguments, when he explained them, if I didn’t know the person he was mad at was me, I too would believe I was a horrid, witch of a wife.  So I’d get defensive.  (cause that’s what you do when someone’s talking bad about you).

But that’s when I started writing things down too.  Every argument…I’d pen it down.  So that in therapy, I’d have something concrete to talk or defend.

But what’s weird…it’s marriage. When you constantly think about negative details of each other…that’s all you think about.   Him with his computer brain, me with my yellow notepad.  And since no one is thinking nice happy thoughts of each other…of course things just spiraled down from there.

If you are married you know there are always things to find wrong with your partner.   Things to complain about.  Things you want to change.  Things to keep score.  Cause that’s what you do in marriage?  You keep score on who is right and wrong!  “Wait…what?  I’m not perfect??  Well, guess what??  He’s not perfect either!  In fact, he’s worse than me!!”

It was terrible.  Therapy did not work for us.  Truthfully I will take the blame.  I just didn’t understand what was going on with him.   And if I didn’t understand him, he didn’t feel understood and pulled away.  All the things that made him fall in love with me?  Suddenly were the things he hated about me?  I was losing a battle that I didn’t want to be in and didn’t know what to do.

I knew dwelling on the crappy things of life and marriage would keep me miserable 24/7.  To get through daily life with a smile, I always tried to feel grateful, thinking of all the awesome things and that fact that my life IS awesome.  That isn’t to say I didn’t get mad or upset at my hubby or strangers cutting me off or mistakes on bills or the cat vomiting on my new carpet.  I’m guilty.  I did….and still do.  And I was never afraid to share my opinion.  Ever.  To anyone.

Because when I get mad or upset, I voice my feeling and opinion and then I’m done.  It’s over.  I move on. I’m no longer upset.  Sadly, all my “girlfriend” dumping on my husband was affecting him in a way I didn’t realize until it was too late. And there were other things…

Answer?  While I was wide-open, front and center with my feelings and my opinions, my husband was the opposite.  Afraid of conflict, he often didn’t tell me how he really felt about anything….the party I dragged him to, the people we just had over for dinner, the comment I made to the waitress about the burnt steak I just couldn’t eat.  My husband would just smile, stuff it down and say nothing.  Then over the years resentment became his new best friend and to him I became “the evil one.”  A pitbull that clamped on to anything getting in it’s way and wouldn’t let go till it gave up or died.

Course we didn’t know or understand any of this until an affair ripped open our world. When I found out, he thought it would be fine if he continued to live in our home while having this affair.  I gave him a choice, “You can stay here in our home but no more “her”  Or you need to move out.”    Instead of staying home to uncover and rebuild, he made the choice to move out…telling me, “Our marriage was over….I’m going to be with her….she’s so nice…you’d really like her.”

I was paralyzed.  How did this happen?  When did he decide looking for a new partner was a good idea?  Why didn’t I realize?  Didn’t he promise to love me forever?  Didn’t he say for better or worse?   Sickness and health?  WTF?  I was confused and disillusioned.  And pretty much lived in my own fog for about 6 months. To say it was hell is an understatement.  I’m still not sure how I got through that time without killing him or myself.  But I did.  And I came out stronger and more convicted on my values seeing with new eyes life and love and everything this world has to offer. I will say that I fully understand and will testify on anyones behalf how a woman or a man can kill their spouse upon finding out out they have been betrayed.  It’s so unbelievably jolting – like an uncontrollable hot fire shoots through you and you feel out of control for about 1-6 seconds.

And in that instant, unretractable damage can be done.  I once joked, “I can’t have a gun in my home because what if I got mad and killed someone?” Turns out, I was right!  If I had a gun in my hall closet at the exact moment my husband turned away from me to answer a call from her, I would have killed him.  Dead.  Without a single thought.  My own mother couldn’t visit me during this first hell of a year because she too knew her limit. As she said, “Oh honey…if I came out there and saw him I would have to kill him and then I’d have to go to jail and you’d miss me.”  Her attitude (although clearly in support of me) was one I talked about to cheer myself up because it made me laugh.  Out loud.  It was almost like she was more of a mess than I was.  I did learn a lesson during this time.  Do you know how all of us women rush to the aide of a woman who has just had a baby?  Bringing her food, clothes, a person to clean her house?  Ha, that’s nothing!  It’s a happy time for that woman!  A new baby!?  Compare that joy to finding out your life is going down a different path, that you’ve been lied to and now you are losing the person you vowed to be with forever?  Not even comparable.  If you know of anyone who lost a husband or a wife or that person is cheating…bring them food, clean clothes and a cleaning lady.  Specially if they have children.  During that time I couldn’t move.  I think my 6 year old ate cereal every night for dinner as I held him promising him I would never ever leave him. My older ones were worried too but did their best to make me laugh, keep my spirits up and not annoy me with silly requests.  I didn’t talk much.  I’m the talker and laugher.  I talk and laugh about things others don’t even see.  Finding funny in the smallest things.  Yet there was nothing fun about a man leaving you and your kids for some girl he believes to be his soul mate saving him from the yucky, boring old life he once had…with you.

It was at month 2 when I went to Vegas with a girl I knew about 3 weeks.  God sent me an angel.  She was divorced and happy.  My hubby and I had a 3 day free trip to go and see Celine Dion…and since he didn’t want to go anywhere with me, I needed a friend to go and a friend of a friend suggested her.  Stacy.  I met her once.  On our first day at the Caesar’s Palace pool, men were everywhere.  Everywhere.  At the time, even months later, I was still feeling like Hilary Clinton voters the morning after the election. I had to face my new reality and I not only didn’t like it, I was ready to revolt.  My new friend Stacy told me the only way to recovery was to start feeling grateful…for all that my husband gave me.

WTF??

“What????”  Do I laugh or vomit.  Grateful about what???   He’s ruined my life.  He’s ruined my future life.  He’s ruined everything I’ve dreamed of for myself, my kids and my future grandkids.  I hate the *@#***!!  Stacy didn’t care what I said, she was already working her magic into attracting 5 men near us.  Her goal for me was for me to write down 5 things I was grateful for in a composition book.  And to do it every day.  Twice a day if I felt like it.

Ugh.

So reluctantly, at the pool, surrounded by male hotties, that very day….I began my grateful book.  First entry:  “I am grateful for all these hot men around me….I don’t want to talk to any of them, because I’m grumpy…But I see them…they are out there.”  I wrote that I was grateful for the clouds and the sun and the cup that held my now melted ice water at the side of my lawn chair.  That day was the first day of grateful writing that continued until I filled 3 (yes THREE) full composition books of stuff I was grateful for.  I repeated some of the same things.  But over time, I wrote more and more things about what I was grateful for…including my still-wanting-to-be-with-another-girl husband.  In fact doing that grateful book was so effective I wrote my way into seeing him as a good man AND even fell back in love with the man, who months earlier I hoped died a slow death of being eaten alive by ants.

It was a peaceful realization.  I was in control of my feelings.  Not him.  I was in control.  Of ME.  I was not in control of him.  I realized I could make myself feel love and joy with just thinking about the right things. It was all in my mind.  My mind was incredible.  This is not saying I was filled with joy at anything longer than 3 seconds.  This stuff takes practice.  I’m just saying that I was on a new path of discovery.  Of myself and my abilities to control myself and my outcomes.  Shortly after I filled my first grateful book, I saw my husband with his ‘soul-mate.’  This was a after I was in bed and something (yes, this is creepy…and yes I may be talking about some energy thing or some thing not of this here earth) pulled me up from the bed.  TWICE.  It told me to go see my hubby…and bring him ice cream. It was insane.  I laid back down till it grabbed me and pulled me up again.  So I gave in.  I got a bowl of ice cream and headed to his ‘place’.  He was with her and contrary to what you may think, I was not sad, mad, disgusted or even scared.  I was calm, contained and even curious.  It was beyond odd.  And played out in single seconds that I recall in vivid detail to this very day.  Oddly enough, this woman was normal.  Nothing special.  No goddessishness.  Normal. She was not much prettier, not much sexier, not even much more of a talker.  Why did she have my husband so allured?  I watched through an open window at them interacting and even laughing.  I felt like a mammal activist watching apes in the wild.  In my own imagination head I envisioned their wildly happy exciting lives together of insanely crazy intimacy sex and friendship and now, as I watched, it was boring, really boring.  Almost familar.  Like you could change out that girl and put me there.  This girl was living my life.  She was my replacement.  Things weren’t amazing. They were not madly in love!!  In fact, he didn’t look like he was into her at all. I actually started to feel bad for this woman.  Things weren’t better.  Things were worse….cause here he is with her…not me..not our 3 kids…not the beautiful home and dear friends we built.  He would never have a family with her and our kids…that was only a reality with me.  He wanted this with just her?  Wow.  That was a lot to give up.

Suddenly I was filled with relief.  WOW.  I felt the most amazing sense of relief.  A giant weight was lifted off me and the secret shinny veil of the unknown was lifted.  It made sense.    This woman that agreed to hook up with a married father of three, in his weakness and tried to make him her own was headed for disappointment.  Karma?  God?  For some reason, at that very moment, standing outside playing witness to their secret relationship, I knew that whatever happened to us, the two of them were not going to work out.  The only feeling I had when I left…?  Gratefulness.  I was so GRATEFUL.  Something brought me there. Something that was not of this earth.  And I was grateful for what I saw because it lead me down a path of calm, peace, forgiveness and understanding.  It sounds so so strange that I would feel this after seeing them together, but that is what came.  Something wanted me to see them so I could understand and find compassion and love for my husband again.  And I did.  It took awhile to sort through the details I dissected but overall, on that day forward, I knew, with him or without him, God just told me that I was going to be okay.

Fast froward to today.  My husband and I are still married and have been under one roof together for a few years.  Marriage is not easy.  It takes love, acceptance, understanding and a huge dose of compassion and communication.  I’m never going to be stagnant and let what happened happen again.  I will keep up my end of the deal because I do believe in love and marriage and know if we make it till we are in our 65 plus years.  I will be bruised, scabbed and tired, but every night when I go to sleep and look over at the head on my co-pillow and I will be grateful.  He’s not a perfect person.  Yet, neither am I.  He has flaws and so do I.  The things I do not like about him, I have to accept.  Just like he has to accept the things about me that drive him batty.  We are human. We are not perfect.

Over the past few years, I have met hundreds of men and women who have shared their stories with me.  Many who have left good marriages and many who have come back to them.  Both good and bad and both beyond scary…and promising.  These stories are ones I will share with you to give you hope and let you know that you are not alone.  Even if it’s a good marriage, there are still struggles.  I hope my site gives you inspiration, answers, clarity and above all, hope!

I do not recommend anyone ever cheat or go through anything like I’ve been through…(meaning if you are thinking of leaving, and he is not beating or abusing you, slow down and think twice) Be open. Let my website, TheWifeExpert.com, offer new perspectives.

You are not alone.  You can save your marriage.  All it takes is one person to change a marriage.  One person.  If that is you, I am here to help.

I am a Marriage Coach.  Not a therapist or a psych.  A Coach.  I do not deal with the past but instead help you move to a solid great future.  I’m the person on the sidelines, in your ear, guiding you to make the right moves when you feel like you just want to give up.  I will be there to keep you strong, pick you up off the floor and remind you who you are, what you are made of and what you believe in!

I do not want to work with you forever.  We will set a goal and you will work your ass off to attain it.  And hopefully you will pass me on to others that may need my help as marriages keep happening and sadly, divorces do to.  Divorce can be a cop out.  Don’t do it.  Stay clear of the “D” till you talk to me!

The Wife Expert @ gmail. com  (just take out all the spaces and you can email me!

 

Background and Credentials

Currently I Coach about 10-20 women (and I do coach some men) on staying married when they have all but given up.

I write inspiring and motivating articles on marriage in dozens of magazines/newspapers and am available to speak at Women’s groups, churches/synagogs and Corporations about family and strength to do the right thing.

My bright and busy office is in sunny Manhattan Beach, CA where I host several gatherings women retreats/gatherings throughout the year.  These challenged women are invited to spend 2 nights/3 days learning and self-discovering how they can not only be a better person to themselves but a better lover, friend, sister, wife and or mother.

While I spend my days Coaching, I continue to write articles for my sites TheWifeExpert.com and TheLifeExpert.com, as well as write, film and edit videos used in these websites and more.

My inspiring humorous videos have a growing following (also located on youtube) and are changing the way people think about marriage, life and a partnership.

The Today Show, GMA, CNN, Fox News and other news networks invite me as a regular guest marriage commentator on marriages.

My relationship books, the Amazon marriage products I recommend as well as all the vacation ideas I suggest are all excellent for re-connecting as well as creating passive income for TheWifeExpert.com and the organizations we fund and give back to.

My company gives back to the local school communities by working closely with Love4Life (a Non-profit organization run by the PS I Love You Foundation) teaching children social and emotional tools they need to help them be better people today and forever.  I also lead a coaching group program to Adult Women in The SouthBay.  This 8-week class lays a strong foundation of self-discovery tied in with a class of 10-20 women offering bonds of community where connections may not have been felt before.