About Me: The Wife Expert…
No matter what the state of your marriage.
I will help you understand and put into action exactly what to do, say or behave with your husband to get your marriage back on a new/better path and to get your husband home.
I am The Wife Expert.
When my husband left with his new found ‘soul mate’ clearly in a state of MLC, there was no one to tell me exactly how to get what I wanted. My husband home. I spent the next 2 years investigating hundreds of true marriage stories – successes and failures, what they did, what they didn’t do, what worked, what didn’t, what they reget, what they wish they would have done differently…to find the right answers/solutions get my own husband home.
Because others began to come to me privately for help, I became a certified Coach, focusing on wives and marriages (Don’t worry if you are a husband, I can help you too)
I have helped hundreds of women stop separation and divorce and get their husbands back.
I am NOT:
I am not a counselor.
I am not a theraptist.
I am not here to waste your time….or your money.
I am here to help…coach you on the road to get there.
My Goal & promise to you:
1) You will get what you want.
2) You will set up goals, steps and an action plan of what to do and say.
3) You will discover who you are and that you do control yourself and how your husband sees you.
I won’t lie. Getting there is hard. But it’s not from him. It’s all you. I’ve never had a client unhappy. But until you are ready, you are always welcome to subscribe below and get all my latest stories and advice!
Now for my story…as I realize everyone wants to know…
As of the day I am writing this, I have been married for 21 mostly pretty awesome years….minus 3 yucky ones.
I met my future hubby when I was 25. But, I was not interested. He was very nice, sweet and if I did my profiling correctly, a great potential “future” great guy to marry. But not date. At the time we met, I was not interested in picking a marriage partner. He didn’t agree he was that “marrying guy” and his relentless pursuit and persistence to have me in his life, just for fun, not marraige, led us down a path of being best of friends, dating and years later, married.
Several years into dating, we relocated to New Zealand for two years and he asked me to marry him. Together we set on an incredible adventure that was just “us.” Our friendship blossomed into love without any interference of family/friends as we took in every moment, chance and opportunity to explore the other side of the planet together. Two years later, we returned to Los Angeles, bought a home and gave birth to our first of three children.
I was so happy. Life was amazing. Money was decent and the church we joined was so full of life that the friends we made were quickly adopted as family. Then one day my hubby came to me, “We have a good marriage….I want to have a great marriage…” Personally I’d already thought we had a great marriage, but if my hubby was having doubts and needed me to join him on anything to make him feel happy and secure, I was in 100%.
His suggestion? “Therapy…”
Done! Whatever he needed, I am there. I was born of hope. Even after an argument, I may walk away frustrated and wanting him to see things my way, but hours later I’d find a way to see the good in him and our relationship.
The Problem With Therapy:
Looking back, therapy made me feel like I did in Catholic Grammar School. Every three months we had to go to confession during school where we had to confess what we did wrong “since our last confession…”
I was a good kid. I didn’t do much wrong. So every confession day I had to come up with three things that I did wrong: “Bless me father for I have sinned, it’s been about 3 months since my last confession….I disobeyed my Mom and Dad (that was a regular sin I used every time because at some point, even if I tried, I knew I screwed it up somewhere in the past), I told lies to my brother (that too was another given)…and I…” This was the part where I always got stuck. While I usually recycled the first two over and over…the last sin was always a wild-card-fill-in-the-blank-kind-a-thing. Sometimes I’d throw in a little, “We didn’t go to church on Sunday..”, “I lied to my teacher…” and “I had was mean to my classmate.”
Of course I never actually did any of those things, I just figured if I made up a couple of really good sins here and there, it was like a blanket insurance policy, so if I really screwed up, God would give me extra points for all the stuff I did that said I sinned about yet didn’t.
I did the same type of “list” thing before going to therapy. Only it wasn’t what “I” was doing wrong but what “he” was doing wrong. (Cause you know, I’m perfect right?) Sadly for me, my husband has this incredible memory of keeping track of details, dates and times of things I did that upset him. Not only did I not have a list, I barely remembered what I said 3 minutes before while IN therapy. Was it selective memory, did I just not care because little spats weren’t a big deal anyway or did I trust others would remember? All three were not good. And all three began to give me induced trauma, stress and defensiveness before even arriving at therapy.
Then in therapy, he would bring up a fight we had hours, weeks or even years before and I’d literally have to have him explain it to me so I could understand why we were arguing. What’s worse? Since I didn’t remember these arguments, when he explained the arguments to the therapist and me from his point of view, if I didn’t know that the other person in the story he was arguing with was me, I too would believe this person was a horrid, witch of a wife. So that trauma, stress and defensiveness I collected prior to my arrival came pouring out. (cause that’s what you do when someone’s talking bad about you).
Keeping Score Will Kill A Marriage:
But that’s also when I started writing things down too. Every argument, every disagreement…I’d pen it down. So that in therapy, I’d have something to say! Something concrete to talk about from my point of view.
But what’s weird…it’s marriage. When you constantly keep score, talk about, bring up, or just think about negative details of each other…that’s what you create. Him with his computer brain, me with my yellow notepad. And since no one is thinking nice happy thoughts of each other…of course things just spiraled down from there. Keeping track of all the bad. Nothing good.
If you are married you know there are always things to find wrong with your partner. Things to complain about. Things you want to change. Things to keep score. Cause that’s what you do in marriage? You keep score on who is right and wrong! “Wait…what? You are upset that I’m not perfect?? Well, guess what?? He’s not perfect either! In fact, he’s worse than me!!”
Therapy Did Not Work
It was terrible. Therapy did not work for us. Ego and pride kept us from really accepting or understanding the other point of view? But it was nothing I knew at the time….all I knew was that if I didn’t understand him, he didn’t feel understood and pulled away. All the things that made me fall in love with him and he fall in love with me? Suddenly were the things of frustration.
But that was only in THERAPY. Outside therapy things were great! For me anyway. I could get past many things that bothered me…it was only when I was cornered with another person and my husband telling me I was wrong did I feel sick and miserable. Who likes to look at their faults in front of others???
What’s wrong with me?
I need to say, “What was wrong with me?” I’m certainly not perfect but from back then, I’m way better. I don’t get mad as easy.. That isn’t to say I don’t get frustrated or upset at drivers cutting me off or my husband making mistakes on bills or the cat vomiting on our new carpet. I’m guilty. I did then ….and still do. I’m never afraid to share my opinion. Ever. To anyone. But I’m more relaxed now at controlling my reactions.
While I was wide-open, front and center with my feelings and my opinions, my husband was the opposite. Afraid of conflict, he often didn’t tell me how he really felt about anything….the party I dragged him to, the people we just had over for dinner, the comment I made to the waitress about the burnt steak I just couldn’t eat, but could definitely throw as a frisbee. My husband would just smile, stuff it down and say nothing. Then over the years, resentment became his new best friend and to him I became “the evil one.”
Course we didn’t know or understand any of this until an affair ripped open our world. When I found out, he was sure I’d have allowed him to live in our home while he continued a relationship elsewhere. I gave him a choice, “You can stay here in our home but no more “her” Or you need to move out.” It took a few days of angry challenges but he made the choice to move out…telling me, “Our marriage was over….I’m going to be with her….she’s so nice…her friends love her! You’re really going like her.”
(Was this to say my friends didn’t like me? hmmm…not much investigation was had on his part to discover the tight bonds I have with friends going back to prior to grammer school. And was this to say I was going to meet her as well??? Lord help me on that one. A woman that thinks it’s okay to be with a man who is marrried? That’s another article. Well TWO: What to do With The Other Woman & Dear Mistress Of a Married Man)
The Climb Out Of Living Hell:
I was paralyzed. How did this happen? When did he decide looking for a new partner was a good idea? A soultion? Why didn’t I see or realize? WTF??? Didn’t he promise to love me forever? Didn’t he say for better or worse? Sickness and health? WTF???? I was confused, disillusioned and hated him. I was jealous too. He found some where to escape. To run off, party, share, love, play while I was suck holding everything that kept us together by myself.
To say it was “Hell” or a Nightmare is an understatement. I pretty much lived in my own fog for about 6 months. I lost 12 lbs and looked like death. And anyone who came near me with a hug was met with my eyes unable to shut off. No noise. Just water. Endless tears. Flowing. Day and night. I could laugh and still be tearing.
I’m still not sure how I got through that time without killing him or myself. But I did. I told myself I would over and over and over and still over and with the Grace of God, I did. And I came out stronger and more convicted on my values of life and love and seeing with new eyes life. (You know you arrived when you understand and really believe: Love really is the answer to everything.)
I must add that I can fully understand and will testify in court on anyones behalf how a woman or a man can kill their spouse in an instant upon finding out they have been betrayed.
I know the feeling because it happened to me, it’s so unbelievably shocking/jolting – like an uncontrollable hot liquid angry fire bolts through you and you feel you must attack. I’ve never had that feeling before, nor have I had it since. It was one moment for about 2-3 seconds. Red, hot, flow taking over your body. Scary. Maybe that was a flight or fight thing passed down from back in the cave man days, but it still exists in us.
And in that instant, unretractable damage can be done. I once joked, “I can’t have a gun in my home because what if I got mad and killed someone?” Turns out, I was right! If I had a gun in my hall closet at the exact moment my husband turned away from me to answer a call from her, I would have killed him. Dead. Without a single thought.
My own mother couldn’t visit me during this first hell of a year because she too knew her limit. As she said, “Oh honey…if I came out there and saw him I would have to kill him and then I’d have to go to jail and you’d miss me.” Her attitude (although clearly in support of me) was one I talked about to cheer myself up because it made me laugh. Out loud. It was almost like she was more of a mess than I was. Accepting a man into her family that would do this to her daughter? It was too much for her too.
I did learn a lesson during this time. Do you know how all of us women rush to the aide of a woman who has just had a baby? Bringing her food, clothes, a person to clean her house? Ha, that’s nothing! It’s a happy time for that woman! A new baby!? Compare that joy to finding out your life is going down a different path, that you’ve been lied to and now you are losing the person you vowed to be with forever? Not even comparable. If you know of anyone who lost a husband or a wife or that person is cheating…bring them food, clean clothes and a cleaning lady. Specially if they have children.
During that time I couldn’t move. I think my 6 year old ate cereal every night for dinner as I held him close promising him I would never ever leave him. My older ones were worried too but on a different level. I did my best to make them laugh, keep their spirits up and give them a normalcy of life without their da at home. I didn’t talk much. I’m the talker and laugher. I talk and laugh about things others don’t even see. Finding funny in the smallest things. Yet there was nothing fun or funny about your husband running off with some girl he believes to be his soul mate saving him from the yucky, boring old life he once had…with you.
What I did during those 18 months that my husband was gone is the point of this website. And the reason I decided to help and coach women needing help. I’m a writer and researcher who quest for answers. The solution. The reasons. What worked? What didn’t? I was a crazy woman. Digging. Nonstop. Anyone and everyone I knew or met who had someone in their life that went through this was called, emailed or stalked until I got an interview. What I discovered, uncovered and carry with me to share is unbelieveable.
Why I stayed:
Many reasons. But the biggest reason I stayed is this: Because I said I would.
I had been been told by other women, “You are so weak…you should have left!” The girls that have told me this are the girls that DID leave.
As far as being weak or srong? What I went through has been the HARDEST thing I could have ever gone through. Worse than cancer? Yes. Because people battling cancer fight not to die. Me? I was already dead. Doctors compare the mental state of an abandoned spouse with the mind of a parent who has lost a child. No reason to compare. They both suck.
My husband and I are still married and have been under one roof together for 4 years. Marriage is not easy. It takes love, acceptance, understanding and a huge dose of compassion and communication.
But I did promise someone I would stay with them for better or worse. (They should change that to “For better or the crappiest shittiest thing you can imagine!”) And I do believe in love and marriage and know if we make it till we are in our 65 plus years, I will be bruised, scabbed and god awful tired, but every night when I go to sleep and look over at the head on the other pillow, I will feel grateful. He’s not a perfect person. Yet, neither am I. He has flaws. So do I. The things I do not like about him, I just have to accept. Just like he has to accept the things about me that drive him batty. We are human. We are not perfect.
Over the past few years, I have met hundreds of men and women who have shared their stories with me. Many who left good marriages to be with new hot women that promised them a new life. Thankfully many of these men went home to their families but some did not. Their stories are even sadder with wonder and regret of “what if…” All of these stories are meant to learn, inspire and share viewpoints from others so you gain hope, insight and let you know this strange journey you are on….has been crossed before. You are not alone.
All great marriages still have struggles. All of them.
I hope my site brings you comfort and gives you inspiration, answers, clarity and above all, hope!
You are not alone. You can save your marriage. All it takes is one person to change a marriage. One person. If that is you, I am here to help.
As I state above: I am a Marriage Coach. Not a therapist or a psych. A Coach.
I do not want to work with you forever. We will set a goal and you will work your ass off to attain it. And hopefully you will pass me on to others that may need my help as marriages keep happening and sadly, divorces do to. Divorce can be a cop out. Don’t do it. Stay clear of the “D” till you talk to me!
The Wife Expert @ gmail. com (just take out all the spaces and you can email me!)
My Background and Credentials
1) You and you alone can change the direction of your marriage or relationship.
2) Sessions are called by you: questions, problems, solutions to situations.
3) In person, Skype or phone call.
You control your destiny. Not him. What happens is this. We mirror each other’s behavior. Because couples mirror each other. If one is hiding information…the other will feel it and do the same. Then the two start the blame game and score card appears and tallies are taken. “I do everything…” “It’s her fault…”
We get defensive, deny and start the cycle that never seems to end.
Someone has to end it. Not the marriage. The bull shit.
Cause there is bull shit. Piles of it. Going to be angry adds to the pile. The negative hate talk that circles your head all night long tops the pile.
Its all about you. It’s all about what you say to yourself when you are alone with your head. If you stay positive about your marriage and your husband and have talk going on in your head that is good, you will find hope, peace and love.
I charge 85$ an hour.
Cheap when you think about the value of avoiding divorce.
For wives with immediate emergency need for help…I always try to make myself available.
You are loved and you are special.
If someone doesn’t want you. That has nothing to do with you.
You are loved and you are special.