How to Be happy married.
The Marriage Box.
I hear you…”What the heck is a marriage box?”
A marriage box is everything you want in a marriage. Only it is in a box…that you must fill over time. When you get married, that marriage box is empty. Over time you put things into it. Want love? In order to get love, you have to put it in first. Want Romance? Have to put it in first.
Imagine it is your wedding day and you open a gift. Inside you find a note and a paper that says it’s a $200 gift someone opened for you in a stock with your name on it. Saying “If you stay married more than 30 years this becomes cashable money that is now yours!”
Wouldn’t that be cool? Then one day in 30 years, that $ invested in say…Starbucks, is now worth $130,000? It happens! How fun right? Stocks like a marriage are a gamble. Only with marriage the outcome is mostly in your control. What you put into your marriage is what you will get out of it. Put nothing in…you get nothing back. It is really that simple.
The world today is all about “me…me…me”.
1) What’s in it for me??
2) I’m leaving because I’m not getting what I want.
3) He isn’t giving me what I need.
4) He doesn’t make me happy?
5) I’m not happy.
Responses to the the above?
1) Who said marriage was to give you anything?
2) Why is this about you? Have you given your partner what he wants?
3) Did you come to the marriage only to have your needs met?
4) It’s not his job to make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness.
5) Reread #4.
In order to get what you want out of something, you have to put something IN. I hear all the time, “I do put in…alot…in fact I give and give and give…he gives me nothing in return.”
I’m pretty sure if I had your husband here right now he may say the opposite as not all of us are deemed for sainthood but it is possible. But if you keep score…who gives what to whom and how? Well…you will always feel like you are getting less than.
Your job, if you want to be happy, content, and enjoy your life, is to simply do what you signed up for when you got married. To give your husband what he needs. Period. No strings, no bartering, no arms on hips with a demanding foot taping…just give your husband what you said you would. Keep up your end of the deal because that’s the person you are. Just because your partner behaves sporadically with his life, doesn’t mean you change who you are. Make sense?
As far as your partner, your husband, that guy who promised he’d do his part, he may fail. Today. He may fall short tomorrow. The next day, he may not do a friggin thing. But that doesn’t affect who you are and what you committed to doing what you said you would do in your marriage.
I’m going extreme here but I’m just trying to make a point.
Because what usually happens is when someone starts to fail at giving, the other partner joins the party. They too begin to react negatively and pull back what they are giving too. So then soon NO ONE will be giving to anyone and then begins this battle to keep score. And then it gets ugly.
Yet, and this is an easy “get out of the muck please!” if both people maintain their “jobs” and their responsibilities solely based on who they are and what they are supposed to be doing in the marriage (which is REALLY HARD when revenge or the “me-me” takes over), all is good. Then if the
other falls or lacks for a bit, when they both come back to earth or regain composure, they aren’t met with an angry partner pointing at them accusing them of slacking. They are met with a happy partner continuing to do what the relationship needs. It’s much easier to get back on track with the second situation.
The way to get OUT of that cycle in one piece is to just stay straight. Let your partner wander, circle, cycle or spin while you, because you are reading this right now and will probably be the mostly likely to seeking answers, will be the one most likely to GO straight! The straight one, if they can maintain staying stright, then becomes the one to bring the other out of the choas sooner. Because eventually the cycling person gets tired…and will return back to normal.
All any of that above paragraph means is that in a marriage we just need to remember to be there for each other. Do your part and quit worrying about who is doing what. Stay connected, keep communicating all the details and wants and put as much as you can into your marriage box so there is plenty in there when you need it!
Leave keeping score to the big league sports!