What To Do When He Says, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You Anymore…”


My husband said “I love you but I’m not in love with you…” in June of 2013.  Right after I found out about his affair.  He was sure he had found his soul mate and that “you’d really like her…she’s so nice…all her friends say how nice she is…I think she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life…”

I wanted to vomit.  The gunk was somewhere stuck in my throat…and it was boiling to come out.   He wanted me to be friend with this woman?  Like buddies?  Maybe invite her to dinner to meet our kids and play Catch Phrase with her?

And she was nice?  Because her friends all say how nice she is?  My friends would all say not only how nice I was but how amazing I was as a supportive friend.  Even my old boyfriends would all say how nice I was.

Bottom line:  He still loves me but he’s not “in love” with me?  Who said I was ‘in love’ with him either.  Once you’ve been together over 20 years…you know shit about them no one else would know unless they’ve been with you for over 20 years!  So once you know someone’s ‘shit’ you just have to accept them or enter into a world of “I must change you to fit my desirable perfect world…” or be frigging annoyed every time you see that person.

My husband choice the second. For YEARS he was annoyed at everything I did.  Everything!  Cooking, cleaning, breathing…   Everything I did was open for criticism.  Why?  Because he’d met someone else who was making him feel like a million dollars…and I was in the way.  Annoying.  The other woman spoke softly to him, let him talk for hours about his crazy, bitchy wife (that was me) and repeatedly stroked his ego, telling him how wonderful he was in everything he did.

So of course he fell in love with her and if that happens, you can’t love the other person too…specially if they annoy you.  To be in love with someone you must have ‘nice’ thoughts of them.  If you don’t – this feeling of love will never come about.

When someone says these words it really means the following:
1) I met someone else and I want to see where it goes.
2) I don’t like having sex with you anymore.
3) You’ve done so many things to annoy me and piss me off that I don’t know what else to do but leave.

I love you but I'm not in love with you anymoreBut the truth is when a man says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you…” He really is saying, “I’m a coward and a douchebag…you are great because I’m still stuck…but I really want to try out this other thing…so can we still stay in touch because I may want you back…?”

That’s your cue.  Let him go.  Let him go with confidence.  Smile.  Look good and let him leave. Because if that’s the last thing he see/knows about you…he will forever miss you.

I have had several friends who have faced this. The more confident you are in saying good-bye, the less confident he is in leaving.  But you can’t quiver.  You have to be happy and strong in the ending good-bye.  Wish him well and say good-bye as nicely and confidently as you can.  And remember he is doing this because he thinks he is picking the better woman.  He is wrong.  Let him see that (not in tears and a mess of a woman) but in a strong solid sense of a woman).  If you have kids together, he will feel even more torn.

Confidence! If you have it, you can make anything look good.