It’s a simple night. You are out with your husband and your kids. The husband speaks, “I noticed there were 20 days that the kids were late to school…”
You look up.
Uh oh….the kids are all staring at you. They’ve heard this before. You have not. You wait….
“Apparently the tardies were all from the days (tuesdays and Weds…) when you drive the kids to school.”
“It’s December…that’s not that much…but it needs to stop…”
You look up. You are facing children looking at your like you are in the wrong. The husband stares at you as well. You are on trial. You sit. You wait. You dip your bread into the pile of red sauce you ordered for your kids pasta when all they wanted was butter but YOU wanted the red sauce…so now you dip and wait…
You look up chewing, “I”m sorry…?”
“Can we get the kids to school on time?”
“Kids…you need to help mommy get you to school on time…”
If I could redo this situation it would be as follows.
Dad/husband come to Mom/wife alone and says, “Hey…I notice the kids records that they are late to school often and the days it happens on are Tuesdays and weds…are you okay? Do you need anything? I know you miss the kids because you work full time…but maybe we can work harder to get them to school on time…”
That would be better right?
Instead…bringing it up in front of the kids is like saying, “Mom fucked up….see? She’s not that great of a mom is she. Dad is a rock star…mom is not.”
I’m sure he didn’t intend to say those things…but that’s how it felt. You don’t have those kinds of conversations in front of the children if you are in a partnership. A united front.
That’s what’s hard. I grew up with parents who were at the top…they made the decisions, they talked prior and aways had each others backs. My husband did not. He grew up with parents that were always at odds. They fought. They disagreed constantly. They hated each other. They used the kids against each other and it was a horrible way for child to grow up.
If you are in this situation. Be the adult. Walk away. Do not involve yourself. Pull yourself out of every situation that puts you as ‘the bad guy’ in front of your kids. Your partner doesn’t know any better and may or may not be intending to look like the stronger parent. Yet all it does is show your kids that you are divided. And that in itself is poison to a child finding his or her path. Because the kids then will use mom and dad’s division as a tool to get what they want.
Be the adult. Be the parent. Stay true to what you know. Do NOT join in the choas and try and retaliate or ‘get back’ at your partner. It’s wrong and makes you look like a child.
Marriage is not easy. If you are in a marriage, every move you make is one of joining in harmony with your partner or one that is not. If you choose to join in with your partner, you will have a healthy, strong united marriage. If you choose to join in with your children…and make your partner embarrassed for any wrong doing or feel like they are on trail….you are literally adding poison to your marriage.
Why, why, why would anyone want to do that intentionally?
Be the better person.