What To Do When He Disrespects You In Front Of Your Kids?
First of all, I’m sorry. If you are here on this article, I’m so sorry. It does not feel good to have a man who does not support you and will actually put your kids in front of your relationship. But don’t bail yet. Chances are…your mate never really learned how to be in a real relationship, and forgiving and helpful (without him knowing) is the best way to teach him how to get around his own parent’s mistakes.
Second, let’s talk about disrespect? It can mean so many things to others. But what I’m talking about is any action that could hurt your feelings or make you feel “less than” or out of the ‘team’ the two of you should be building to be the “Rock” for and in front of your children.
We were walking to our car from a day out when my husband and my 13 year old daughter were walking together. It’s very important for the two of them to bond at this strange ever-changing teen-angst age, but it should never be done at the expense of Mom. Ever. Yet when I said something, (the actions that took place after have trumped whatever I remember saying) and my husband turned to my daughter and made a quiet comment about me. And when he saw me looking at them he said a different comment toward me and started laughing saying, “That’s just weird mom…” (I don’t think that is what he said, but when intense hurt feelings arise, words are not even heard, yet remembered, at least for me.)
To fully gain respect of his daughter, to show his daughter how a man treats his wife, and to set an example of what marriage/teams are, Dad must never disrespect mom or make fun of her without Mom being part of “joke” with Dad. If Dad shares privately something he didn’t like about Mom with his daughter and Mom is excluded, it will cause major problems with the daughter one day in her relationship with her future mate or husband. Because unless she recognizes that this disrespect is in fact dysfunctional and recognize she does not want that in a future mate, the daughter will want a man that treats her just like her dad treated her mom.
I always, always tell girls dating, to make sure when they find a man they think they will marry, that they must investigate the future’s husband parents’ relationship. Even if they are divorced or separated. How did they treat each other when they were together? What did your future spouse witness or watch as he or she grew up? If the future spouse didn’t see love exchanged and problems solved, they will have to learn that on their own…and that takes time and years…if they even recognize there is a problem…and all the while, you may be on the receiving end of this.
But if you are like me and never knew to even look for these signs, you have to deal with what you have. That said, NO ONE IS PERFECT. And everyone, EVERYONE can change. If they want to. So if you are in a relationship where your spouse disrespects you in front of your kids, you have to speak up. They will never ‘get it’ on they own. Chances are they may have no idea they did anything wrong, in face they may think you are crazy, that it was no bid deal. But it is. And what they are doing to you, must be stopped. And if your partner does’t understand, you will have to explain it to them. Not like you are talking to a child, but like you are talking to an adult and sharing information about how to do taxes. Plain and simple.
Because if a man is disrespecting you, and you let him continue to do so without saying anything, he will continue to disrespect you. If you want a good, solid relationship, you MUST teach him another way…NOT to disrespect you. Period. Or as I said, do not be surprised if you are disrespected.
If you want it to stop, you have to be kind. Strong and kinds and tell him what you wan and need words to say so
“You have every right to talk to our daughter about me and share with her privately how you feel about me and what I say or do, however when you do this, it really hurts me because I feel you are disrespecting me in front of our daughter instead of supporting us as a team. Will you please hold you comments to your self and share them with me at a later time so I can change what I’ve done or said?”
The “You have every right” word-age comes from my favorite mentor Dr. Pat. She’s way over 80-years-old and a true relationship Goddess. She has been there, done that. And has wordage for everything so you can get what you want without offending anyone.
That said, always be strong, but be kind and respectful. Because when you give respect, you get it.