I had a wonderful conversation with a wife I coach today. I’ve been working with her for almost 3 months and she is a amazing healthcare professional who always see is the best in people. Especially her husband.
On most days, since she’s on my Texting Program, we text every day and being able to send me screen shots of texts received from her husband (I write responses back) I can clearly see she is well beyond what I recognize as being positive and 100% committed to the outcome that her husband will return.
And then…. there are days she waffles.
Today was one of those days. She asks questions in detail, many of which she has seen and known from watching my videos, however, some days, you just need to hear it again and again..and today was one of those days. As I coached her back into a safe, calm strong-in-self place, I continued to use new and unique words to get the same information deposited deep into that part of her mind and soul that desperately seeks to understand… WTF??? Because it’s insanity. Truly. How could this beloved man, who promised to stand beside me forever, and who actually adored me for so long fall so far?
Below are 2 texts she and I exchanged. Her response was golden. And because she’s of a graduate degree and high in her field of work, I needed to share her words with you, the women and men I care deeply about. So I asked her if I could share them here. She said okay. So here we go…. Can you
MY RESPONSE TO My Coaching Wife:
He’s ashamed. He’s embarrassed and humiliated that he has let his family down and now he’s just being avoidant. He has stuck his head in the sand and he staying there. He knows what he’s doing. Yet he cannot stop. It’s like an alcoholic. They know they are drinking and that they probably should get a job or Live life a different way but it’s a disease and they can’t stop. I believe the midlife crisis is either a mental disease, a mental disorder, or pure evil wreaking havoc inside the lives of good human beings. When a human is suffering, they are weak, and that’s when the evil can creep in. While the first two haven’t really been acknowledged or diagnosed by proper sources in the field of psychiatry, the final belief is that if there are spirits, God, ghosts and an evil presence that exists here among us, why would we ever think that evil would could not penetrate our husband, a son, a daughter, a friend?
Remember, you are not fighting for your husband, you are fighting against evil. Your old husband would have never done this. Right? Many of them never would have done this. But they did. Why? What is this? Who is this? It’s a fascinating, yet debilitating subject people like me, who study this topic every day all day, still find unbelievable . Still we search for answers in a never ending process to simply gain for information and more insight to share with others like you. But the only thing that matters right now is that you live your life as if far away. Almost like he’s passed away. Be the role model for your daughters. Who need you as their rock star right now! They are watching everything you do. Show them that anger, punishment, and resentment do nothing for the human spirit. And that only forgiveness and acceptance and love for oneself and loving God is the only way to live a happy grateful life!
and then she texted back….
WIFE RESPONSE TO ME:
Thanks! Whenever I go back into anger, I lose this perspective. I did read that most men in MLC have a clinical depression. That becomes the lens through which they look at their life and themselves to predispose them to an affair if the opportunity arises. I found it interesting to read that while the secret affair leads to increases in norepinephrine, adrenaline and dopamine which fuel the addictive nature of limerence, at the same time serotonin levels drop leading to worsening of depression by the time the dopamine and adrenaline fizzle out. This proves that what they thought was true happiness is just a biochemically induced fantasy and that they are, in fact, destined to be more depressed and miserable. I’m certainly seeing that with my husband.
I think this avoidance really got worse after my youngest told him she absolutely did not want to run into him and his friend in the neighborhood and would never meet her unless he and I were divorced. I also think my husband realized that he cannot get acceptance from his kids and now just has to keep lying and hiding things. I’m very proud of my daughter for saying that to him.
In The Meantime…
Yes. Recognize anything here? Do you see you own family? Your own kids who struggle? The fact is, there is little we can do to reach him right now, it’s like he’s drove off on a long road and while we can see him, his track is only in one direction and even though he may want to return, he has to get to the end of the track for anything to change. And how hard is it to see him trapped in there saying he likes it. He likes being away from his kids? Away from the friends he grew up with? Away from his original family? Away from you?
That’s the part I hope you cling to. If you were the only person he avoided, then maybe it’s you or he’s just a cheater. And if that is happening, let’s find out…reach out to me and lets set up a call to see if in fact he IS in Midlife Crisis or if he’s, as I like to say, just a dick. A cheater. And as mean as that “dick” comment is….a serial cheater is also sick. People who hurt others intentionally or unintentionally have a ‘screw’ loose or never learned empathy. Will they learn? Of course! With you as their future role model, anyone around you can learn anything! It happens! I see it every day!
Just to note, as I’m sure in your life you had plenty of opportunities to cheat or “play” with others (they are there whether you notice or not) I have chosen never to cheat on my husband because I would never want him to do that to me. The phrase we learn as kids: “Treat others as you would want them to treat you.” or in my catholic faith religion, “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” Do you want pain from Karma? Do you want this pattern to repeat in your children’s lives? Then change it. Stop it. Be the silent leader of Love and commitment for your family. That leadership even trickles to your friends and your kids friends. And boy do we all need more of that!
The religion one I never understood until my adult life when I faced what you face now. A bandaid was ripped off my community and I was able to see and feel what everyone was facing in their life. People (knowing my situation) came to me crying with their stories and if they didn’t, somehow I was able to see past their faces to the truth behind the curtain. There was trouble in paradise. I could SEE it. How? How was I able to see their pain? Strange. And with the trouble came the temptation. Men, hurting, from good families, or what I thought, knowing I was hurting, leaned in to care for me with “other” intentions. To say “people are not perfect” is an understatement. People are a mess. Many of us are. No judging. No opinions. No gossip. Just pure understanding. Just pure love. Understanding love. Temptations pushed everywhere. Evil is waiting. I said no. I said no again. Without breaking silence of their attempted infidelities. Hurt people, hurt people. I was not going to be a ‘hurt” person.
People are not perfect.
Your husband is not perfect.
YOU are not perfect.
But you do have choices, to accept who you are, love yourself first, and be a role model for others around you without judgement.
Best of all? You know me! And you have me here to help you get there!