I love when wives send me things they find to share with others!
Below is a article about “Expectations” that is so good I wanted to post it on my site for you! However right now, I don’t have a link back to the author, if she/he ever finds this and is okay with my posting her name, I will! FYI: I’m an anal writer and I did take the liberty to edit the piece to make it flow better for your time here.
I hope you enjoy this…it’s dead on.
Think about it: A flower blooming in the wrong season won’t thrive because the conditions of the season are not right.
That’s what we do with expectations in our MLC spouse. We expect and they fail and we get upset. And it repeats. But it’s not the right time. Or “season.” This MLC nightmare is just a season in your marriage.
So we “stand.”
But those expectations keep creeping back in…and the cycle continues.
Let’s talk about what happens when you follow through after expectations, where they lead you, and the outcome they can produce.
What is an Expectation?
I am not going to give you the Webster definition, I’m going to provide you with my version!
Expectations in the world of Standing…….is Creating an “expectation.” Like in your situation – where you are looking for something specific, a feeling, emotion, action, reaction, behavior…..something (anything!) from the situation to give you what you need. To give you what you desire….so you can keep your hope alive, or give you encouragement: That you are on the right path and to keep going in that direction. It’s something that gives you proof that your marriage is not dead and can be restored. Another way to look at the word expect is “hope”.
What Expectations do we Embrace?
We expect/hope to see some type of guilt, shame, regret as well as A longing to return.
We expect to see them look at us with love, desire, missing us.
We expect to see them walk into our home and be touched. Come near us and give off some type of signal that we still mean something to them.
We expect them to care about our feelings, our children’s feelings.
We expect them to be reasonable in their demands, respectful, and considerate to our pain.
We expect them to continue to be responsible and take care of everything they used to take care. Pay for the bills they created. Take care of the home, pets.
We expect them to not change a single thing, and continue to act the same exact way they used to.
We expect LOVE and proof that they ever loved us. We need deeply to see some form of communication that they understand they made a HUGE MISTAKE, and that they are thinking about how to correct that mistake.
We are expecting too much!
Doubt & Fixing
We will look and analyze EVERY single move they make. Tear it apart. Look closely, under a microscope every single thing they say, not say. Everything they do or do not do. How they appear.
We are looking for something, anything that gives our expectations some type of hope. That restoration is happening when it really isn’t.
When we want to find something bad enough……..we believe we can make it happen. We can fix this.
Ahhh…what happens when we don’t get what we expect/hope for?
It comes in the form of loss, despair, discouragement, disappointment, and FEAR! And the losses…loss of hope, loss of understanding, loss of trust, loss of proof we are doing the right thing and are on the right path. It takes our motivation and squishes it into oppression and discouragement.
Not getting what we want can bring us down into that negative attitude where we feel justified to be angry and pain and disappointment begin to rule.
Did you know…
Having expectations “in the wrong” is in the top 3 of destructive behaviors. When expectations are NOT met, people can convince themselves you to do the exact opposite of what God is asking you to do – stand for your marriage. People quit because they expected the divorce not to happen. They expected their spouse to not move to another state. They expected their spouse to pay child support.
When the expectations were not met, they declare this failure of what they expected to overwhelm them as PROOF they were wrong. They were never meant to stand, OR they just could not stand any longer.
Failed expectations pack a HUGE punch! One that will destroy your hopes, dreams, strength, and leave you truly angry and disgusted with your spouse, easily causing you to walk in the exact opposite of love.
“God doesn’t want us to live without hope and expectations.”
Of course. However, he wants us to live with them being placed, through wisdom, on the right things. Instead of pinning our hopes and expectations on a person who has fallen into darkness, we need to put our hopes and expectations on God or Jesus or Spirits or a Dead Relative you talk to in heaven or your own self. We know they help us and are working towards transforming your spouse into something better than he once was.
Remember that guy? Yes. Sometimes, we can look back at the person we married. Who they were, their character, morals, belief, and be reminded, yes, that is who we did marry. That is who they truly are. Not this wacky person they have temporarily turned into during this dark time.
Why We Fall…The Trap of Expectations?
When my husband was in MLC, I placed huge unfair expectations upon him. I expected my lost, selfish husband to be exactly the same exact way, before the storm came. I expected him to handle every single thing like the person I had always known him to be. That was my mistake and my blindness.
Once God showed me that I needed to stop expecting this lost stranger, who was in the dark, to act like he was walking in the light of honesty & truth, I stopped falling into this huge never-ending disappointment hell vacuum.
He was busy with own temptations, rebellion & selfishness. None of which had anything to do with me. I had to stop expecting him to do what I would do. I had to stop expecting him to think and feel about something the way I would feel. I had to stop expecting him to believe the way I believed. I had to stop expecting my husband to act like how he had always acted.
This guy was a stranger. An entirely different (temporary) person that had a hard heart of rock, zero feelings and was incapable of seeing or saying the “truth”.
And I had to stop falling into the mind-set of “WTF? This makes NO sense to ME at all. That is not how he used to act, why is acting this way now?”
Packing away my expectations was scary thing. However I switched the ones I had for him out and replaced them with good expectations on set on myself and talking with the Holy Spirit! Stuff I could control.
I put my hope in the plan that God had for me. To stand. I knew God’s purpose was to save my husband and create a real, true relationship with him!
So that is where I focused my expectations. I had to trust that God knew what he was doing. I also found hope that this was a “temporary season”. Like fall, winter, spring, summer. Season’s change…and this will too.
I may not get what I want NOW from my spouse, but I expect after God’s time, I will get that, and so much more!
And I did!! God has surpassed my expectations when it comes to who He returned back to me.
Please rememberL God doesn’t want you to become weak through failed expectations. He wants you to grow STRONG in the hope of what He is working on doing in you and in your spouse.
He wants you to expect repentance. Expect a real, relationship to come from this, one where both you and your spouse recognize God for exactly Who He is.
God has HUGE expectations for both of you. What are they? Only you know…only you can find out.
Yes. About him? NO EXPECTATIONS!! NONE.
You take your own self, and your kids if you have kids, and do everything you can to focus on you.
What does that mean? Change your thoughts! Change the patterns you have each day! Change YOU!!
Me: “You know you aren’t perfect…”
Wife: (a long pause)
Me: “I have only know you for 36 minutes and I know, you aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. No one is perfect. Once you believe that…you are FREE! Free to make mistakes, free to be you, free to learn more about yourself….forever! As we attempt to be the best version of ourselves. Is it perfect. Hahahahah. Nope. So relax and just do your damn best to be you. Good will come. I promise.”
Good comes to good people. Good and God are very similar! Hmmmm…does this make sense?
Love. Learn. Listen.
So get busy….YOU need to figure out why you are here…what you can bring to this earth! And if you don’t know…call me and we can figure it out!
As always, I’m here if you have questions or need me!
(I’m a one man shop. Woman shop. Except for the tech stuff. I have a team of that! Hahaha.)