The easiest way to get a man (or anyone) to fall in love with your or like you like the bestest friend they never had is to listen.
Listening to someone, without nodding or texting or looking at your phone while they are talking, lets people feel heard and understood…
And when they feel heard, like you understand them, they will then feel closer to you…
And if they feel closer to you…they have admiration toward you…
And if they have admiration for you…love is quick to follow.
Mary told me flat out, “I just hate when he comes home and wants to talk… can’t he see I’m busy with the kids and don’t have time to listen to him go on and on…and on…and on???”
Mary was clearly pissed that her husband was taking her valuable time to talk about himself, his job and his frustrations.
My mouth must have dropped because she looked away and went on trying to validate her position, “Oh my God! He will talk for an hour straight if I don’t cut him off or tell him to do something for me like take out the trash or bathe a child!”
I was shocked. Wait. Oooohh…and I was jealous. How did she get a husband that wanted to tell her all about his day? What man does that anyway? I love that. I want that. I would love my husband to walk in the door, sit down and pour his soul out to me about what his day was like. Positive or negative, I was all set to listen to anything, speically what his frustrations were all day! And Mary had that and she was complaining?
Ironic. Isn’t it? That’s how it works. We always get what we don’t want…and when we hear what others have, we want that instead.
Mary wants her husband to shut up, and I want mine to open his mouth. Cause my partner doesn’t talk. When he would come home I’d ask, “How was work?”
He’d say, “Fine.”
So I tried to be sneaky, using open ended questions where one word wouldn’t work like, “What was the best part of your day?”
He will still find a way to stop the conversation by saying, “Ahhh….nothing…really.” Okay- that was better, three words.
I laugh. “Okay…what was the 2nd best part of your day?”
“Nothing was that great…” he’d say, only this time he’d say it faster and more confidently, avoiding my eyes and walking or doing some other activity.
I would walk past him and pat him on the shoulder saying, “I just want know more…surely something happened today that you could talk about?”
This is when I got the one word, “Nope…”
The only time I could ever get him to open up to me is when we would leave the kids and stress behind and get out of the house on date night. Then it would be just me and him – no distractions and nothing to keep his mind busy on house crap.
Once he’s seated with a drink in his hand, he would talk and talk and talk….for hours straight. Often times I’d end up staring at him so deeply looking for any clues as to how I could get him to do this with me on a daily basis……that I suddenly begin to panic that I would miss something he said and then he’d ask me about it and I’d get in trouble for not listening.
Then, my fears would come true, in the mist of my personal mental debate, he’d do the worst, ask me a question.
I snap back to attention, “Uh…um…”
His head would tilt sideways and he’d sigh, “You weren’t even listening to me, tell me, what did I just say…?”
Again, panic, “Uh….um…” I’m now thinking of anything and everything to cover my tracks but the main thought racing through my brain was, “FUCK! That’s it! He’s going to stop talking to me for months!”
“Forget it…” He looks away and plays with his napkin.
Back to silent nights and one word answers.
My Trip With Chris
Chris and I worked on a project together. He and I were professional friend/coworkers. Till I had to drive as a passenger in his car for 3 hours.
The ride was boring and traffic heavy. When I’m stuck like that I tend to fill the conversation with questions…endless. It’s the only way to keep my mind going. If I had to talk, I’d get bored. If I’m listening, I’m facinated…because I ask great questions!
So that was the start of our trip…question after question…. I started with LA life, to his dates to his career to his high school to his childhood. It was 3 hours. I learned all about his family and his father’s fall from grace. Not a cheating thing but instead a law thing. Where his dad went to jail, Chris had issues and then he did died. Tragically. In front of Chris. The story if heard from anyone would be painful to hear. From Chris, you felt every pain as if it was your own. I listened to him go from laughing to serious to tears to sobbing. At the end, we were just about home. No time to ask me a thing, I was able to escape with my secrets. (I really have none).
But oddly enough, the next week was met with a strange occurance, Chris started calling me. Then I heard from someone from work that he had a huge crush on me and wanted to see if anyone could find out my dating options:
Was I available?
Yes, my friends, my listening and full engaging in understanding my coworker in the car, he felt something toward me. Simply by my understanding who he was.
A rather strange occurance…but one I accept and have since come to use often in my life.
Listen to understand. And in the end, “they” feel understood.
If you have a partner/husband that wants to talk to you – be grateful. STOP what you are doing, shut-up and let him talk. And then LISTEN. Be grateful he’s talking to YOU and not some floozy of a girl somewhere trying to move in on your prize.
Because if you don’t…someone else will.
Grateful…is the answer…