“Giving up is not an option,” I used to tell myself when my husband was gone. Because what are your other options…let’s walk through them:
a) Leaving. Walking out the door and moving to Hawaii…then what? Ummm….well, Hawaii is pretty…but it’s frigging far…and lonely. (But there is the best Hawaiian Shaved ice there – my ultimate, die today favorite! It’s the white stuff of top.) But in the end…it would be so hard to see all of my other friends, relatives and keep connected…and then…I’m away. That sucks.
b) Divorce. Filing…and waiting..and lawyers…and money I don’t have…and stress of what will happen to the kids..and never knowing what will happen… divorce is a constant unsteady 3 year commitment to hell. And what will happen to my kids…5 years from now…I’ll be with a new person and my husband will be with a new person and my kids will be going back and forth…forgetting stuff at my house, his house and going back and forth…inconveniencing them and their life. Now having to deal with my new persons kids or extended family, possibly including an ex-wife who could be part-devil. Let’s not forget my husband’s new person…who is now spending time with my kids and sharing her influence and whatever background she has had is now forced upon my kids. And how will it feel to see my husband with a new person…does it make my stomach hurl?
I try and imagine 20 years from now…when all is calm. Kids are grown..and I am past the pain of our old life and marriage. Or am I ? Is that pain still there?
Then I run into him at a graduation or someone’s party or at the home of one of our kids. How do I feel now feel, calm, 20 years later? Seeing him there with this other person?
I imagine my thoughts flash back to our wedding and our kids birthdays and our old homes. I am fully aware of the research I’ve uncovered of this same moment happening to so many others and hear their voices that could be mine…
They said they only remember the good things – that the brain (with time) removes the pain (like childbirth right??) and you are clearly able to remember the happy moments.
My happy moments come up fast and many. With the “original claim” of He’s MINE. Not anyone else’s. I promised to be with him forever and I…gave up?
“What happened?” Is a line I have heard from so many of the elders I spoke with while my husband was AWOL. Time healed so much but now they both were with other people. Looking back at each other saying,
What if I waited…
What if I was busy and just let you go for awhile…
What if I just became your good friend…
Where would we be now…
Regret. Regret. Regret.
I didn’t want regret, blowing up my family for my ego to hold dear the comment I heard from friends, loved ones and my own head:
“I deserve better!! BYE-BYE FUCKER!”
Cause I do deserve better. I do deserve love and care and attention and everything I wanted in a marriage tied up in a basket…but somewhere we goofed. Where? How? Why?
That’s where the work begins.
You are here now.
Time to get to work.
And it IS work. (See the classes up above or click here) (LEARN about you)
You. Only you.
Let him go. While you work on the best you.
He will be back.