Besides drugs, there was only one thing that worked – this blanket.
Read on…I will explain…
When he left with horseface, I was able to suck it up and survive during the day…but nights…? Holy—-! Ugh. As soon as it was dark, my kids were settling down and I was untangling my own day…terror would creep in. The fear…the insecurity…the unknown… What was to become of me? My kid? My life? How were we going to survive? What was horserace going to be with my husband? Was she going to step in? Take over? Be a better wife? A better mom? A better person??
Ugh. The thoughts spun and spun like a real live nightmare that you never wake up from.
Night after night I’d lay in bed next to the open space on the other side of my pillow and cry. What did I do to deserve this? How was I going to survive this…forever???
I hated the nights. They were the worst. Especially at 2am when after taking hours to finally fall asleep, I’m awake thinking I was dreaming and look to my right. Nope. The space was empty but maybe he’s in the bathroom. Nope. Reality set in and as I’d walk to the bathroom, in the dark, I’d rethink EVERYTHING I had ever worried about at once… feeling more alone than ever.
I never felt so scared in my entire life on those journeys to the toilet early in those mornings.
Visions of the worst case I could think of would fill my brain….he was gone forever…with this new person…my kids would become bitter…I would become angry and wrinkly….he would take all our money….we’d lose our home…I’d be poor…I’d never go on a fun romantic vacation again…I’d never find love again…my kids would have to transfer back and forth to our separate houses…I’d have to deal with some new woman I had no desire of liking…I’d have to share my kids with her…my children would have to love her…
It was a constant flow of shit in my brain…playing over and over…and each one would fill my body with terror of a future unknown.
Then morning would come and I’d be exhausted! I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t function. I started to feel bad about myself, I wasn’t going to the gym and I’d get sick or colds all the time.
My “happiness” was GONE.
If you don’t know this…you will now! Did you know you can DIE from sleep deprivation? And if you don’t die, you end up looking like ugly angry bitter lady? I don’t know which is worse???
Losing weight may or may not look good on you…and the added stress bringing on these new crying-so-hard-my-face-is-looking-ugly-wrinkles will be depressing.
You must get sleep. You MUST get sleep!
Um…oddly enough, even THAT statement gave me anxiety. I’d be up worried that I HAD to sleep or I’d get ugly and die.
SLEEP is BEST MEDICINE!!! Why??? 6 reasons!
- Thinking clearly: You MUST be able to think
- You productivity. Get stuff done.
- Prevents Sickness – when you are tired and run down- all kinds of sickies come into your body cause you feel weak.
The Doctor Orders
Under duress, my worried wonderful female doctor prescribed some sleep medicine for me. I was so happy till 4 hours into a thick snooze, I’d burst awake wondering if there was something wrong with me? A new fear would set in….oh no…would I be groggy all day the next day???
Then I saw on some morning TV show a featured story about the very pill I was on: Warning! It was highly addictive?? Lovely. Let me just add another problem to my growing list. I was better off NOT taking anything.
So I went back to the doctor I loved and said, “I’m afraid I’m going to get addicted to a pill that doesn’t even work?” (I do have to share that at this time I decided I was NOT going to drink anything alcoholic. No alcohol. Why? I had seen divorced people drink wine constantly. They were self made stress induced alcoholics. I didn’t want a divorce and I didn’t want to be a drunk. So to ward off both, I refused alcohol for almost 2 years. I actually said, “I’m not drinking till he comes home…” And I think I almost made it!)
My doctor, God love her, said, “You know, Laurie…benedryl gives the same effect as a sleeping pill and it’s over the counter and you won’t get addicted.”
Benedryl (or CVS’s cheaper version) became my savior. I’d take one after the kids didn’t need me and about 30 minutes before I was going to bed and hello pillow! All night long! LOVED this little pink pill. I was finally able to sleep. And if you get sleep -you become SANE.
When you don’t sleep – you become erratic, crazy. Sleep deprivation also causes health problems, makes you forgetful, makes you depressed and ages your skin. Who wants that??? Here is the short list:
- Sleep Loss Dumbs You Down. …
- Sleep Deprivation Can Lead to Serious Health Problems. …
- Lack of Sleep Kills Sex Drive. …
- Sleep deprivation Is Depressing. …
- Lack of Sleep Ages Your Skin. …
- Sleep loss Makes You Forgetful.
The “Weighted Blanket” Solution:
Out of the blue my oldest son bought this blanket for himself while away at school and I thought it was stupid and a waste of money.
9 months later, it ended up at our home tucked in my closet until one night I was so cold, I searched it out. I HAD to be warm right? I pulled it out – and struggled to carry it to my bed (it was that heavy!). I spread it out so that it covered the area I’d be sleeping under and then crawled in. It was a big difficult because I wasn’t used to the weight. But wow!!! It was the BEST sleep of my life. I was in a cocoon! A heaven! A momma’s womb!
It’s safe. It makes me feel safe. I try to explain it as having sex with “him on top?” You get the immediate sensation of feeling covered & protected…for like a minute before you then decide, that was nice but now I can’t breathe? You know that feeling I’m talking about?
If you have any issues at all at night: fear, anxiety, worry, weird negative thoughts, loneliness? Then buy this blanket. It WILL help you sleep. So much so, when he DOES come home, you will love your weighted blanket so much you may not be all over him when he comes home. That was me. I was so content under my area, it made him come to me! The video below actually SHOWS you my bedroom and the very place and the blanket under where this all happened!!
Thank you all so much for visiting my site and being one of my “girls” – I am honored to help you make an impact on your life and your marriage. I’m always here if you need me! FYI: Amazon pays me pennies to share this with you.