What Does “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” Really Mean?


When my husband said “I love you but I’m not in love with you…” in June of 2013, I was sure my life was over.  

He was calm, happy and secure that he had found his life partner, his soul mate and even suggested to me, “You’d really like her…she’s so nice…all her friends say how nice she is…I think she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life.”

I wanted to vomit.  The ball of invisible gunk was somewhere stuck between my throat and my tongue.  And it just sat there.  Like a lump in a plastic tube.

He said he wanted me to be friends with this woman?  Like buddies?  Maybe invite her to tea or dinner to meet our kids and play hide and seek or Yatzee as a large group?

And her friends think she is nice?  Why is that any big deal?  All of my friends think I’m nice and yet somehow this has never been of interest to my husband before or had an impace on him loving me or not loving me.  (Even my old boyfriends would all still say how nice I was if asked.)  But now it’s a reason?   My friends would all say, not only how nice I was, but that I was damn good at comitments.  Showing up when I say I will show up.  Doing what I say I will do.

What does “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You Really Mean?:

  1. He still loves me but he’s not “in love” with me means “I found another girl to bang”.  Clearly.

2) It means, “I’m a coward and since I couldn’t figure out how to stay in a relationship with you…I thought it was easier and more fun to find another girl to play with.”

3) It means, “I haven’t learned how to love a woman long-term so I’m taking the easy way out because I found a new playtoy to hang with for now…”

4) It means, “I don’t want you anymore but I don’t want to hurt you.”

5) It means, “I’m an asshole.”

What Does Love Have To do With It ?

Who the hell said anyone had to be ‘in love’ all the time anyway?  Once you’ve been together for over 20 years…you know stuff about each other that no one else would know unless they’ve watched you get angry, vomit or take a poo naked on the toilet.  You witness so much crap from living with someone for over 20 years, how does a person even try to stay “In Love”?  I guess you move from an “I love you” feeling to a feeling of “I accept you”.  It’s that or enter into a world of “I must change you to fit my desirable perfect person…” or be annoyed all day every day.

My husband choice the annoyed part.  For almost a year he’d been grown annoyed at pretty much everything I did.  Everything.  Cooking, cleaning, breathing.  Everything I did was wrong, improper or open for criticism.  Now I knew why.  Because he’d met someone else who was making him feel like a new life was waiting behind door #2, only I was standing in his way.  I was the blockade.  In the way of his happiness.  Annoying him to death.  The other woman spoke softly to him, welcomed him with kindness and let him talk for hours and hours about his crazy, bitchy wife (that was me) all while repeatedly stroking his ego, telling him how wonderful he was in every little way.

So of course he fell in love with her.  Heck, I’d have fallen in love with her too if I was in his postion.  And once that feeling of new exciting love happens, the other person you don’t want, that person you were suposed to love and be in love with is now just plain annoying. To be in love with someone requires you to have ‘good’ thoughts of them.  If you don’t – this feeling of being in love will never come about.

The Truth:

I love you but I'm not in love with you anymoreBut the truth is when a man says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you…” He really is saying, “I’m a douchebag.  I do not deserve you.  Because I’m stuck.  I really want to try out this other new thing yet I really don’t want to lose you.  So hang around just in case because I may want you back…?”

Ha!  Yeah. Right.

What To Do?

Let him go.
Let him go with confidence.
Look good and let him leave. Because if that’s the last thing he see/knows/remembers about you…he will miss you forever.
Get the book “I love You But I”m Not In Love With You.  7 Steps to Saving your Relationship.”  I read this book (twice) and every bit of it is very true and extremely helpful.

What Not To Do?

Ask for a second chance.

If a man gets to the point where he says these words to you.  He means them.  Listen to him and let him be.  You will gain more from walking away with your head high then staying around begging, pleading and looking like a fool.  No man wants any woman that behaves this way.  Ever.

The more confident you are in saying good-bye, the less confident he is in leaving.  But you can’t be a mess.  You can tell him you are sad and disappointed and that you love and miss him but then you must stand tall.  You have to be happy and strong in the ending good-bye.  Wish him well and say good-bye as nicely and confidently as you can.  And remember he is doing this because he thinks he is picking the better woman.  He is wrong.  And it is your job to let him see that (not in tears and a mess of a woman) but in a strong solid sense of a great capable loving kind woman who knows her worth.

If you have kids together, he will feel even more torn, and there’s a good chance he will be back.  Because the douchbag doesn’t fall far from himself and he will behave like he always does and at some point, this new woman will tire of him and the bull shit you dealt with and…well…he will be back.

If you have it,
you can make anything look good.

I am here for you, to help.  Email me any time with questions, problems, interview suggestions or article ideas you want me to do, tape, write about and post here.  Or if you have a gathering you’d like me to speak to.  Be it a women’s group, church gathering, or other function.  Let’s bring marriage back to a place of kindness, teamwork and love.  What we do passes on to all generations.
Help make that positive change today.
Email me:  TheWifeExpert @ gmail . com (take out the spaces)


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