How do you know if he’s the one to marry?
This one piece of advice I will give you below is SO important that it is all you need to know prior.
Sooooo much to share, if you are thinking of getting married but not sure, stay tunned after this page so you can be 100% sure. Marriage is NOT easy. No matter what you have heard so far. So please be sure to come back or visit this site often.
Right now, he is perfect. Just what you wanted. But you know you need to look at some things first. And this one is a BIG warning sign:
Watch your future spouses parents. How they treat each other. What was his life growing up like? What did he see his parents doing?
Examples (AKA Warning Signs):
Did they hate each other, divorce when he was 3 years old or was it 3 years ago, are they mean, rude, unkind. Is one an alcoholic, drug addict, addicted to porn or gambling? Has one of the parents been arrested, convicted of any other crime, depressed, suicidal or even a recluse. Did your future husband see arguments? Wild fights? The police come to the door? Did he witness a couple coming together to solve a problem or figure out how to come out on the other end of an argument? Did he see them make up, someone aplogize, or ask for forgiveness? Did you???
When we are kids, we watch our parents for a living. What you saw with your own eyes as you grew up in a house for 18 years is your playbook. Your road map to what married life is because that’s what your parents did. Even if you hated it or didn’t agree or didn’t like it…it’s still all you know. And the pattern humans have is to: DO WHAT THEY KNOW.
So. If you see “stuff” you don’t want in your own marriage, you don’t just get married and hope for the best, nope. NOW is the time to talk about EVERYTHING that has been “stuff” you don’t like, so that the two of you come up with a plan so that someone doesn’t “do the roadmap.” Because if you don’t…it’s coming. Maybe not today, tomorrow or even next year…it’ll come in 10 years…OUT BLASTING. And you’ll be so angry that you did nothing from the start. It’s like a massive elephant in the room that you avoided and that he hid for years and years. So don’t hide, don’t run, don’t carpet toss (meaning throw under the carpet so you don’t see it – because that elephant looks ridiculous under the carpet in the middle of the room).
Your Future Spouse…
may be normal now…or may show you love and affection now…but later…people do what they know. They do what they see, what they saw. And those role models, those daily patters their parents did, are what they watched day in, day out, for years, and years, and years, are there…catalogued inside their head!
So if you are about to marry someone, look at their parents. Take note. Is this what you want in your life? That’s what you are about to marry. And if you don’t take action NOW, that is what your relationship will look like in 20 years.
My friend at work was raised by parents that loved each other. They weren’t a perfect couple (there is no such thing) (REPEAT: there is NO such thing) but they loved each other and treated each other with respect. Here is the deal, everyone gets in disagreements, everyone. Fights and other spats they are part of life when you live with someone for a long time. But it’s how they handle those disagreements, fights and spats that tell you about their relationship, who they are as people and what your future spouse learned growing up with them.
Do they make up quickly?
Do they hold grudges?
Do they always have to be right?
Do they apologize quickly?
Do they stay angry for days and days?
Do they stop returning an “I love you..” just because they are angry?
Do they put they head in the sand and hope it goes away?
Do they work together to solve their problem?
Do they come up with solutions?
Do they smile at their spouse?
Do they hold hands and compliement each other?
If you answered no to any of the above questions, don’t give up, there are ways of working though every single one of these to get the man you want to BE the man you want PRIOR to marriage. Its all about awareness. And if you’d like, I can help you through this to be sure you’ve crossed your t’s and dotted those i’s prior to marriage!
If you answered “yes” to all of the above questions, wow, you are blessed to have found a man who had stellar examples! You are going to marry a good man, at least one that has learned from the right people and will have the tools in his mental rolodex to be setting a fine example for your future children.
Cause remember, your future, mabye kids will need to see their mom and dad (you and your man) do the following:
- Compliment each other in front of the kids.
- Back each other in front of the kids.
- Be a united front to them at all times, even if the wife is wrong, your kids need to see that dad still backs mom and mom still backs dad. “I may not agree with her, but this is what your mom wants and I’m here to support her…”
- Cuddle and kiss every day in front of your kids! Let them hear you say, “I love you!” To your spouse! Every time you leave!! Every time you come and go!! Every time you talk via phone!! Even i you don’t ‘feel’ it at the moment, just saying it gets your mind convinced it’s what you are doing! Your kids? They will say: “Yuck!” “Gross” but seeing you kiss your spouse just tells them “MY WORLD IS SAFE!!!” and “unlike all my friends parents, mine are happy and keeping our family together!”
- Argue and make up with apologizes.
- Treat each other with respect.
- NO name calling or “You are just a…” No fighting mean. Fight fair. Always.
Remember your kids will now watch you for a living.
Be the role model for them.
Be the person you wish your parents had modeled for you.
If your partner won’t join in, do it anyway. Sooner or later, they will get the hint that the way you are acting is proper and they will follow.
If you need me…advice or coaching to be sure you’ve asked all the right questions or to guide you to the right place to be, I’m a coach and do phone coaching or if you are in LA we can set up a face-to-face meeting. Please email me: the wife expert @ gmail.com (NO spaces – I put spaces in for spam issues)