Lainey & Bob: Married To An Alcoholic

Lainey & Bob were married 15 years prior to his MLC.  She is a beautiful lady who struggled between wanting to strangle her husband or just forgive him. This is Lainey’s Story… I am married to an Alcoholic.  Yes.  My husband is an alcoholic. He has even said it. Outloud.  Joking and in plain matter of fact sentences.  And once he said it to me via text.  But he’s also said he’s not ready to change, or stop. Maybe one day, just not today. It’s not every day.  It’s not even during the day.  It’s once or twice a month…maybe more.  After a night he left friends at 12:30am…and didn’t get home till 3am.

A Scary Moment:

It was almost noon.  I was at work when my oldest child reached out to me, “Do you know how Dad got home last night?” was the text I received at 11:30am… Unsure if my 16 year old was asking because he wanted to know?  Or if he was asking because he knew and just wanted to know if I knew anything… So to be safe I just texted back, “No…?” The response, “The police brought dad home…” I was confused.  Police?  If they had my husband why were they dropping him off at home, did he go out dancing with them?  Do we know any police officers that well?  I texted back, “What?  How?  How do you know this…?” “Because of the video camera…” Now I was really confused, “What video camera…?????” “The one I installed a few years back on the front porch for security when I got the MJ delivered?”

Oh boy:

I had to sit down.  Something was happening with my once normal sweet family that I had no control over.  (Several years earlier – while my husband was off with I-need-to-take-your-husband-because-I’m-too-insecure-to-find-my-own bimbo mistress lady – my son wanted to help with the family funds and decided selling marijuana to his friends and classmates was a good idea. He worried someone may steal his profits so he installed a video camera and I forgot all about it till now) WTF?  I took a breath and tried not to freak as I texted back, “What???” When I left for work at 6:30am, my husband was on the couch, still in his work clothes, in a ball. I saw him as I left, wondering who he had been out with, was it fun, why didn’t I get invited?  Then I also had a feeling about not really caring.  I’m actually getting much better at looking at him wanting to help him and really realizing, “this is NOT my problem…this is his…his choice…his decision.”  I really have nothing to do with his choices. I didn’t really think about home at all until I received several texts from my kids that morning saying: “Dad is still drunk…” “He can’t take us to school…” “How are we getting to school…?” Ugh.

THE AHA MOMENT:

Another hour later I received a single text from my husband, who was now awake, hung over and feeling like hell. “I’m so sorry.  I’m so embarrassed.  I have a problem. Please help me.  I’m going to AA this week.  Can you help me.  I’m never drinking again…” I felt a joyous lift.  I felt excited.  This was it!  He turned a corner and would now be on the mend to stop drinking!  YEAH!!  Was this the ‘bottom’ that would get my husband out of the this hell he created? No.

HOME AT LAST:

When I arrived home later that evening I walked in hoping to see a man in need and desperation of love and help… Instead I found him on the couch, watching TV, drinking…a beer??? I couldn’t speak…I was sure my mouth was wide open and my face carried the words I was thinking, “WTF?” Instantly he blew it off, “ugh…I’m okay…I’m fine.  I overreacted earlier. It’s all good…I’m not cutting drinking out of my life…I’m okay.” I still couldn’t speak.  It was over.  Just like that. That smidge of hope was gone. I walked over to him, leand up close to him and whispered so only he could hear, “When you are ready to stop, I’m here for you.  We can change our home, our friends, we can move…I too will never drink, even socially again.  Whatever it takes.  I will do what you need me to do.  When you are ready, I will change with you…” His eyes stared right through me, “OMG, I’m fine. It’s okay.” Okay…

BOTTOM LINE:

I am helpless.  To him.  I can’t do anything to change him. I realize this now.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t change me.  Who I am and what I bring to my life and my world.  He doesn’t define me.  His drinking doesn’t define me.  I am an outsider watching.  I am the rock in my own world.  I am a rock to me.  As I am the rock to me, I can be the solid rock to him and influence him to stay strong and suggest him not to drink.  But I can’t make him stop.  That’s His Choice. He is the only one that can stop.  He has to decide.  So…while he is figuring this out…my world moves on.  I am the example.  Even if he can’t see it.  Or see me.  I can rise above.  Because that is my choice.  And while I love and believe he can change, I cannot change him. I do believe prayers and angels work.  I pray to them that he gets through it before he loses a kindney or his life.

MY COMMENTS ABOUT LAINEY’S EXPERIENCE:

I love this woman!!  She has come a long long way since I started working with her.  Her story seems so easy…but let me tell you – it was not.  Starting as angry and ready to disect his living soul, she has let go and let God take over.  She is strong but so so loving and caring.  This man is so lucky to have her at his side.  Let’s hope one day he is still alive to say thank you to her.  If that never happens, she knows she can rest easy because she’s doing what she said she was going to do.  Love him. Three things men need every day! Best Marriage Tip… What to Do When He Disrespects You In Front Of Kids: How To Respond When He Yells: Love Yourself First