Ruining a Perfectly Good Evening…

stop your divorce

One of my clients (a man who’s wife withheld sex from him for 7 years) (Ouch. True punishment…please do not ever do that…if you never talk to me or follow me…do not deny your hubby sex!) and the reason I created this (Click Here) video.

Later this same client shared with me a TEDx talk he say called: The Sex Starved Marriage. WOW!!! I loved it!! AND more so, I loved the lady in the video! She is Michele Weiner-Davis (Brilliant therapist and writer of Divorce Busting, who as an adult found difficulty when her own parents divorced).

Last night she posted something (sign up to get her posts!!) about Divorce.
Michelle, like me, (but she’s older ❤️🤣 ) is a divorce advocate and wrote a brilliant blog post that sounded so much like me (although I LOVE Oprah!) I just HAD to share here.

One note. I think Oprah is a wonderful interviewer. She gets to the nitty gritty of topics to make people pour out their souls. This insight to how she feels about divorce I didn’t realize till I read this here. And Oprah doesn’t have children. And she’s not married. So while she knows so much about so many things…I agree with Michelle that she got this wrong. However, let’s let Michelle tell you in her words what she thought watching TV Sunday night!

“How to Ruin a Perfectly Glorious Evening”
11/15/2021 Michelle Weiner-Davis

On Sunday night, CBS aired a 2-hour Adele concert called Adele: One Night Only. I’m relieved it’s just one night. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big Adele fan. I could listen to her all day long.

(Sing, that is.)

I could have easily lived without the interview (after) with Oprah who, in her Barbara Walter fashion, spewed psychobabble-filled questions such as, “Don’t you think we spend our lives trying to repair our childhood hurts,?” or, “Don’t you think your divorce is a good thing for your 6-year old son because he will get to you know you as a person?

Oprah went on to discuss how misguided it is for so many unhappy people stay married for the sake of their kids because it’s important to put yourself first. “If you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.”

Puhleese.

I’ve been a marriage therapist for 4 decades working with couples teetering on the brink of divorce. I rarely meet couples who do not say that their kids are the primary reason they’re sitting in my office. 
Frankly, trying to work things out for the sake of the kids is a powerfully motivating factor. It can prevent a lifetime of hurt and regret.

When Oprah bemoans the fact that people stay together for their kids, she implies that you have to miserable doing so.

You don’t. 

We have learned so much about what it takes to have a healthy, loving marriage. Get help. Learn new skills. Get happy for the sake of the kids.

Although no one should ever remain in an abusive relationship, divorce isn’t the solution to unhappiness. Other people don’t make us happy. Happiness is an inside job.

And just to set the record straight, the notion that, when adults become happier due to their divorces, their kids will be happier is pure rubbish. This is particularly true when, as Adele reported, there were no serious problems in her marriage. She just “fell out of love.”

Rather than sharing their parents relief from breaking up an unsatisfying marriage, the research suggests that children feel less happy due to their parents’ preoccupation with righting themselves emotionally post-divorce.
Believing “the trickle down effect” is mythical, self-serving thinking. Perpetuating it is downright dangerous
.

Thanks to Oprah’s probing questions, I could picture young women everywhere tearfully cheering Adele on, feeling inspired to find the courage to tell their own husbands they’re leaving their marriages to find themselves.

But rather than end the show with a divorce-glorifying, gotta-be-me message, CBS producers reasoned that it would be a good idea to stage a surprise engagement of some random couple

Seriously?

Adele, here’s my humble suggestion: Next time, even if Oprah asks, do what you do like no other- sing. Skip the schmaltz.

My Comments:

HAHAHA!!! Don’t you LOVE this!!! YES!!! We have to start to begin the change to what IS important in this world! Our family!! Mom, Dad and kids…and from there we create generations of rock solid people who know where they came from and know they are safe to explore, grow and challenge the world OUTSIDE the home. Not inside. That is the glue to keep us all pushing out.

Be brave my loyal readers and stay true to what you know – your marriage IS Worth fighting for…although we do it (fight) with kindness and love.

xoxo

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