Oh…the ultimate “after affair” question:
Do we WANT to know what the heck he or she did during their affair? The tiny gory details…the horrid words that would put a solid REAL vision and conclusion to what our own brains have kept alive for us for so long?
I work with thousands of beautiful, capable, smart, wonderful women.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to join your life and battle to win and crush the evil that has tried to rip apart your family.
Knowing this…I am always open to posting letters from wives who wish to share their experience working with me and/or shed their own insight and wisdom to others.
Below is a letter to me from a wife I think is amazing. This woman chose NOT to hear the story of her husband’s (first) affair (He had 2) based on the advice from from her therapist. 🙄
This woman is so kind and has much support from her friends and children. Even her husband told her how wonderful she was as he walked out the door “it’s not you…it’s me…”
If you knew this woman you would believe he is crazy. However, it’s the same thing for many of us. And in the big picture we cannot let 1 human. ONE.1.ONE. dictate or control who we are or what we are doing with our life here. This woman loves her husband and the beautiful family she created with him.
Welcome to “C” and her thoughts to you….
After my husband’s affair 10 years ago, we went to marriage counseling (Big Mistake! Yeah… where was Laurie then?! ❤️). My therapist and many people I talked to said…“do you really want to know all the details about the affair? If you’re intent on reconciliation, having those thoughts are gonna make it harder for you to forget”.
So I didn’t ask for any details. To this day I have very little information (even though they worked together), how often, where, what etc., how it began… everything about the affair.
Today, I think of that information, those details of that affair, like a live, ticking bomb between the two of you. Information I don’t know. Secrets…that he knows.It’s a bomb.
Here is the point:
If the betrayed spouse goes against this “best not to know” advice, and asks for all the details, that disclosure “bomb” probably won’t be dropped or used to cause harm later, because all parties know and understand and can use this information to move forward so it doesn’t happen again.
Because those interested in reconciliation (taking spouse back after cheating) is also someone who is intent on saving the marriage, invested in the spouse and quite willing to hear the details and make peace with it. Bottom line: they both get past the details, move on and never use that information to “get back” at their spouse in the future. It’s over and done.
On the other hand, if you choose NOT to hear the details, the cheating spouse gets to keep all their secrets and details, keep the bomb, where they have shown the ability to deceit and lie. I believe letting a spouse hold that live bomb is allowing them to continue to lie to themselves and creative an internal narrative to absolve themselves of guilt because they don’t have to see, feel or understand the hurt and suffering their betrayal and lies has caused their spouse and others because the affair was never talked about.
This “secret” creates a feeling of normalcy kept to themselves…because they are being told, in effect, to keep quiet and “not feel bad about it so it won’t hurt your spouse.”
It’s a secret room, in a secret house that, when it was bought, had rooms that both spouses could go into. Now, he has built a separate room to which only he has the key. And since the pattern has been done before…it is much easier to build other rooms. They already have one room in essence they’ve been asked to keep silent about…so why not make more secret rooms with more secret keys?
That’s why my husband found it easy to slip back into porn. To continue to lie, because he never really stopped…because I never asked him to by telling me the truth about what happened, how it started and how we can prevent it from coming up again.
So that’s why happened…from there he created more little secrets, used more intimate porn, and slid back into another affair. Little by little. Room by room.
There is no emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy when you are lying and having a secret sex life without the person you are supposed to be intimate and honest with.
I believe in order to truly reconcile, the cheating spouse must disclose everything. I had gotten to a point after the affair, in forgiving my husband that I DIDN’T want to know! I was happy! We were hysterical bonding! Great sex! And I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to hurt him, hurt me, or hurt us anymore.
BIG mistake. Huge mistake. ADVICE: Disclosure at the very beginning. All of it. THEN move on.
Their willingness to go through the discomfort of disclosing information is also a huge indicator of their willingness to reconcile and accept responsibility and grow and change to better their own self.
Anyway, just my thoughts and my personal experience.
-C from Washington.
Bravo to “C”. And allowing me to share her words with you. I AGREE with her!! As you know I’ve been doing this a long time.I have my own opinions and most of you already know my feelings on this subject.
To be clear… I feel knowing the Truth of all the affair details stops the mind from creating a way worse scenario. And both parties have a change to GROW and change and be BETTER as a couple!! However, C is right, it is painful…and scary and honest, even when we want it, is not easy. Yet you must decide for yourself what is best for you…and the mind you have inside you.
Remember: It is a personal choice and we all have to live with our own brains and what we say to ourselves.Do not listen to anyone but your gut and what you believe is beset for you!
Best part? You get to make your own choice!
I’m here if you need me!
Laurie – TheWifeExpert.com