What Not To Do After Finding Out About Your Partners Affair


After my husband had his affair, I did the following:

  1. I told my friends.
  2. I told my family.
  3. I told some of his friends.
  4. I told some of his family.
  5. I emailed a group of people (a lot of people) asking for a babysitter since my husband had moved out.
  6. I wrote a very personal article (which appeared in our local magazine) (with my name and photo) about a man in “Mid Life Crisis” and what to do if you are married to one.  (This didn’t go very well when my husbands co-workers informed him of the article)

I was wrong.

When you find out your partner is having an affair it is beyond debilitating.  Telling a few friends you can trust is okay. Telling everyone you know is not.

what to do after affairWhen I first heard this lovely news, I couldn’t speak or walk or breathe.  Time stood still.  It’s almost like hearing about a death.  Of someone close to you.  Hearing they died.  Suddenly.  It’s over.  Their life.  Your life.  What you hoped would be of your life…married 50 years…having the same buddy beside you the whole time.  Gone.  Ended.  Bye-bye.

My body shut down (in fact I had these weird things on the bottom of my feet for years – every month there was so much pain I had to go get them cut out – during my husband’s affair – they completely STOPPED!!!), I got thin (thiner) even though I was eating (I think I was eating…??) and the cough that I had was instantly GONE. My body went into Auto mode.  Clean.  Still.  Not bothersome.  Stress does weird crazy things to you.

After I had each baby, my friends would bring food over to my house for my husband and I to make life easier for us.  That was NOTHING compared to what I needed now.  That first night and many nights after, for months, I couldn’t sleep.  I kicked him out of our bed (I’m a believer of never go to bed angry – so if this had to happen, he needed to be gone) this topic was not being solved that night…so my worry (what’s going to happen? how will my kids survive? how will we pay for the house?  who the fuck is this girl who would go with a married man who has three kids?  is she retarded?) Thoughts kept me up all night. I was a mess.  Feeding my children and caring for them was almost an impossibility.  My brain wouldn’t stop.  My kids would ask me something and I’d respond, “…huh…?”

My 12 year old would yell at me, “MOM!  What is wrong with you…??”

I couldn’t tell them what was going on in my mind and that just killed me.  I was not present/in the moment with them and that was so not like me.  Before I was always in the moment, I had never had thoughts that dwell in my head over and over.  I’m a talker…talk just pours out…

But this?  I had to keep a tight lip.  Or a tight lip at the right time.  After I blabbed the first week…I was more careful.

Back to feeding my kids?  Ha.  Dinner?  HA!!!  I think my kids had pizza and chicken nuggets every night for 3 months. Oh how I wished someone would have come to help me make my kids food!!  (If you know of anyone going thru this…cook for her or him!) (for the kids – cause she won’t eat!) (I think I lost 10 lbs.  And I was already thin!)

Also – if your husband or wife is having an affair.  The thought is to be smart about who you tell.  If you think it will work out – and if you want it to, you have a better shot if you don’t tell too many people.  Pick 1-3 friends who SUPPORT you staying with your husband.  And ask them to be your dumping ground…so that when you dump they listen and support you.

Then Stay positive.   See the story here about:  How to stay happy when he’s having an affair.