What to Do When He Wants to Leave

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What to do when He Wants to Leave is a list made up from girls who, like me, have been there when he (their husband) have said (outloud) that he wants to leave the marriage.

how to save marriageSo I gathered with them and together we came up with a list of what to do when he wants to leave:

  1. Show compassion.

    It’s hard to come up with the decision to leave your family.  It’s a choice and it’s not an easy one.  He must be hurting iside somewhere. If you can get a chance to stop your ego or first reaction from “you are leaving me?  You ass!” to “WTF?  what is going on in your head that would dare make you even consider leaving?  Are you okay??”  A hug…a touch of the arm are all gestures you’d give your brother if he said he was leaving his wife.

  2. Make plans…

    to go (anywhere!) out with girlfriends, a cousin, just your kids, go over to a friends house with the kids, to a park with kids, to a movie, to anything!  Happy hour at least once a week with kids or without is always a fun night and you don’t break the bank either.  I’ve been known to feed all my kids at many of our local happy hours for under 20$ for all of us.  If he’s home, leave the kids for a couple hours with him, say good-bye to everyone and then walk out. Never ignore him, be happy and plesant – your life is still good.  You want him to see that you are fine with him or without him.

  3. Always looks good.

    I know it’s easier to dress in sweats and a pony tail…but this is your marriage he’s trying to leave.  Time for action!  Dress nice. Put on a bit of Make up.  Take the Hair out of the pony tail.  The simple motto: Look good, smell good, feel good. Even at night. Go to Victoria secret, buy some sexy undies and a night gown.  Walk around in undies if you feel confident.  Men see with their eyes.  Let him see what he’s giving up.

  4. Say little.

    Women like to chat.  Men don’t.  We spill out every detail of our lives with very little prodding. Men don’t.  So do the reverse, don’t share anything. If he asks, answer with a quick tid bit and a sassy smile. Don’t ever be rude. EVER.  Always be nice and sweet and kind.  Be brief and to the point.  But be mysterious.  Let him wonder what you are doing and where you are going with that smile of yours.

  5. Always be Kind.

    You never want to do or act in such a way that gives him proof that you are rude, bitchy or unkind during this time.  If you behave with kindness and compassion – he will doubt and 2nd guess why he’s leaving you. Be the type of friend to him that anyone would love to have.

  6. Listen.

    If he talks, listen. Look him in the eyes with care and compassion.  Direct eye contact.  Do not give advice or tell him what to do.  End the conversation with, “Oh that’s too bad…”  Or “Oh no…I’m sorry…”  Or “Wow! That’s great!’  No advice.  No opinion.  No suggestions.  Just listen and let him feel heard and understood.

  7. Be a GREAT mom.

    Take the kids on an adventure. Do something unusual with them.  Plan a mini weekend with you and them. Ask him first because you don’t want him thinking you are stealing the kids.  “Hey, was thinking of going skiing with the kids Friday…you okay with that?  We’ll be back Sunday… Okay?” Let him be sad he’s not going…and that you didn’t invite him.

  8. No arguing.

    Chance are if he’s thinking of leaving, you have been fighting a lot. You may want him to stay.  He wants to go. There in lies the controversy.  The dilemma. The ‘fight’.  You both want different things.  The minute you give up fighting him leaving, the minute he can relax and really examine if he does indeed want to go.

  9. Keep your ego at bay.

    We all do stupid things because our egos tell us to be monsters.  Shut yours up now or it will ruin all of the above.

  10. Smile.  Smile.  Smile.

    Like a pair of underwear.  Put it on and do not take it off.  Till you go to bed and then you can collapse and cry.  He is not leaving because of YOU…he is leaving because of HIM.  Whatever part you have played in your marriage going well or not going well…has little to do with the fact that he is choosing to bail and walk out the door.  That is his call and his alone.  And that choice has nothing to do with you.  So smile.  Hold your head high and know you are a rock who continues to hold down the fort of your life and marriage for your family.  FTI:  Smiling is a force that creates good feelings and inner confidence.  So force it and let it do it’s job!!

  11. DO NOT GIVE UP.

    I fought for my marriage for 5 years straight.  Everyone you know out there will be watching you deal with the mess of your marriage and will be begging you to let go and just give up.  If you have to, give up these friends for now.  Find friends that support you so that you can stay the course with a team having your back.  You know what you want.  Your kids are rooting for you too!

midlife crisisIf you need help taking the right steps to make your marriage a rock solid unity.  Private coaching is available to walk beside you and get you what you want.  Feel free to reach out to see if we can help.

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