What to do when your husband leaves?
Claire was waiting for her husband of 12 years to come home. She worried that he hadn’t called and persistently called him that evening, yet he never answered.
Was he sick? Was he dead? Did he abandon her and their 2 young kids?
Funny thing about intuition is that inside, we all really know the truth.
She knew he had left her. And if she was honest with herself, he had been acting strange the past few weeks but she just let it go. Thinking that maybe it was something with his work, his head?
Since she wasn’t working and taking care of their boys (6 and 3) she thought it best not to rock any boats…he’d figure it out…and if he needed her advice, he knew she was there to help.
We will never know…
Claire’s husband did leave her. He called her the next day to tell her he had decided to move in with a male friend in the next city while he figured out what he wanted to do with his life.
Claire was mad. “His life? When did the world revolve around ‘his’ life? We have children to raise!”
The next few weeks Claire stayed angry and lashed out at her husband every time he called. So he stopped calling as much and very soon, they stopped talking at all. Lawyers got involved and a schedule of visits with the kids was in quick order.
After a year they still haven’t talked. Claire is full of anger and her soon to be ex is…well…we’ll never know.
What we do know is that he hasn’t tried to come back to Claire because each time he did reach out to her, she let him have it.
To Claire, her husband did not deserve it. What did he deserve? Punishment? From her?
I liken the action of a husband leaving a wife suddenly, or the other way around, to something going on inside the head of the person wanting to leave. They have no other options. Something inside is that bad, they can’t think or feel or do anything but leave.
From the outside, we all can say well that’s crazy right? But from their POV (point of view) leaving is the only choice.
And when that happens we have 2 choices: Freak and get mad. Or freak and get clarity.
If this person is someone you love, wouldn’t you want to understand what they are going through? Think about it….if you were their friend (not spouse) and sitting down to coffee after they left their spouse, you wouldn’t demand answers, yell at them or even make them feel bad. Instead you’d offer a kind ear. A soft landing pad to let them voice their feelings so you could try to understand them leaving.
That’s what we spouses forget.
So their partner leaves because they fear compassion will be out the window to their feelings.
Instead anger takes over and both parties state their cases. None of which may or may not make any sense.
If you are in this spot – the one that has been ‘left’…if you can find your way to love and compassion while continuing to live a fun happy life, your partner just may see that the grass is not greener. That you really aren’t the source of their problems (typical of MLC). And that they are the crazy one to have even thought about leaving you.
Taking that stand does work. But it is hard work. A long road and hard work. Hard work meaning patience and not wanting to grab their neck and shake them.
Claire couldn’t do it. She was so mad that her husband didn’t love and trust and value their marriage vows enough to come and talk to her about (as she says) “WTF he was thinking?” She completely cut him off. No talking. Nothing. When maybe if she showed love and understanding (I know it’s hard when you really want to watch him being eaten alive by crows), he may have felt so understood, life could have gone back to normal quite fast. We all go through mental breakdowns here and there. Some hidden, some quite obvious to the world. It’s how we deal with them that gets us back to normal.
How strange it is when a doctor tells someone that their spouse needs to go into the hospital and they do whatever it takes to help. Yet when a spouse does something so out of character – we still expect (demand) normalcy? We just don’t see the parallel? Some call it a MLC. A Midlife crisis. And if you don’t think they exist and are reading this now. It may a good idea to reconsider your position.
Today Claire and her soon to be ex are both are headed toward new lives…and it seems so sad and useless.
Maybe one day soon one of them will realize the stupidity of it all and try and reconnect. Maybe not. Ego will play a big role in most of this and an Ego must not even exist in a marriage. Period.
Again if you are dealing with this now. It is so painful you may have even considered not living any longer. Don’t do anything. Reach out to a friend. Reach out to me: Love life laurie @ gmail.com (take out the spaces)