The Eyes of a Midlife Crisis

Below is a letter from a woman who is struggling with her own husband who is having a MLC.

Here in her words she describes her situation with generations of MLC husbands. Almost like a hereditary trait. Something they could predict from a baby’s DNA test??

Hmmmmm…..

So….let’s discuss….if you knew you, before you married your husband, that he would be faced with a MLC…and you’d have to face what you were facing right now….would you take the risk and have married him?

Now that I know what to look for, you can bet I will be sure to eye up the man’s family who wants to marry my daughter. For sure. Whether she listens to me or not is another story. (Perhaps I will even reference this page here one day???)

Below is the story from a woman who faces a MLC hubby set on divorce…and the history of MLC in his family….

Here goes….

Hi Laurie….Ok, I probably should explain in more detail about my MIL. (Mother in Law)  My MIL had to divorce her husband because he had financially destroyed her and she had to protect herself.  She did forgive him and I never once heard her say a negative word about him.  When he got out of prison (yes, he went to jail for something) for good behavior and no prior criminal record, he started dating a women 10 years older then him.  (He was a lost soul)  My MIL was so mad and we couldn’t figure out why.  After all….after everything he had done to her, why in the world would she want him back?  (Like I had shared, I did not know anything about a “midlife crisis” before my own experience with my husband.  My husband never talked about his dad or any Midlife issues.  He never went to visit him while he was in prison either…nothing.

My MIL finally told her husband that she was upset that he was dating another women and never tried to fix things between them.  He, in the end, broke the relationship off with the older women and started spending time with MIL.  They were more like friends then a married couple.  She never let him move back in with her.  He asked to move in with her several times but she refused every time.  Even when he was sick and dying, she would not allow it.  He sadly passed away last September from lung cancer.   

My MIL stopped by my house in February this year and we talked for over 2 hours.  I told her I was always amazed how she forgave her husband for everything he had put her through.  (My MIL had to work 10 hour shifts and many weekends to make ends meet).  She said “oh, I never forgave him completely”.  She went on to say how their marriage was not that great and definitely had plenty of ups and downs.   He was an alcoholic early in their marriage and missed the birth of his first born child. He always had a very addictive personality. 

Obviously my husband (17 years married) has some serious FOO (family of origin) issues going on.  From what I have been told, my husband’s grandfather was a very mean man. No one had anything kind to say about him.  Then at my FIL’s (father in law) funeral, my sister-in-law stated in the eulogy that her dad was not a great father.  I can now see how these issues are very generational.  Many friends and family thought for sure that my husband was going to break their family’s cycle. of destruction and MLC.  Which he has somewhat as he is a good father to his children  It’s just hard watching him act like a teenage boy while trying to co-parent our teenage girls.  His relationship with his younger secretary and him driving around in his Porche…. throws a curve. Ugh!

One last thing, I want to share!  The crazy eyes that everyone talks about during MLC?? My husband had those crazy eyes off and on for 3 years prior to me discovering his affair.  I asked him several times during those 3 years not to look at me that way.  I started counseling right after the discovery of his affair.  Then last August, I was waiting to see my therapist while she was with another client.  My therapist’s husband walks in the office and starts talking to me.  He told me his wife (my therapist) had a “honey to do list” for him of things that need fixed at the office.  We talked for about 10 minutes and I noticed that same crazy look in his eyes that I seen in my husband’s eyes over the past few years.  He told me several times how it was a pleasure to meet me and that he was so glad that we had a chance to meet.  It started to creep me out.  I kept thinking that this man must be having a midlife crisis.  Sure enough….Two weeks later I see my therapist and she is a mess.  She shared with me that her 45 year old husband was having an affair with the 25 year old neighbor lady.  I wasn’t even shocked, I could tell by his eyes that he was in crisis!!!

I share this with you simply to say: You are not alone. This is not something you are just going to go through by yourself. There are others who have been though this and I for one am one of them.

Tonight, after receiving this email from this woman….I looked over at my hubby who just got back from a trip to Montana. I remember those eyes and they are now a very distant memory. The eyes I see in him now are soft and special and sweet.

While sitting here with my hubby, my daughter came out to talk to us and so did my son. She is 16, he is 20. I shudder to think where we would all be had I bailed or freaked or filed for divorce?

Maybe it would be good…maybe bad? But it wouldn’t be what is it now…all of us together – under one roof…happy and enjoying a laugh and a meal.

But to get here wasn’t easy. I endured a ton of aches to get here. Mostly my ego and my pride and just shutting my mouth and finding unconditional love in my heart. I also ate piles of shit and barrels of humble pie. But in the end I have my husband and I have kept my family intact.

A thankless job…but one that will change lives for the better forever.

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