Midlife Crisis Help and Regrets on My Past Reflected

I often thought of having an open diary, however, knowing it was out there, waiting to be worked on and filled in would just add to one more list of things I have to finish before bed.  

But if I had a diary, this would go in it the minute it happened.

Just to prepare you….this is a bit hairy…a bit long…and oh so much a bit sad…but it’s real and worth the read.  The ending is not quite there. Unless it is. Meaning, since I can add to things here any time, cause this is my site, when I hear what happened, I may come back and change the end.  If I do, I hope to remember to change this paragraph.   

So grab a coke and some popcorn…I’m not even going to put in mid-titles to keep you engaged…just read….with an open mind.

Looking back on this 1 week, 7 days after this story happened, I can see it was like a dance. Everything happened in unison, like in perfect formation so that I would end up where I was at the moment I ended there.  

Crazy.

Strange.

Weird.

At the time, I had no idea.  I was just living….

It was 4:30pm on a Wednesday. All the wives/husbands/people that needed help that day were done. I had spoken with around 30 women and while tired, I was still feeling good, and before I put dinner on, I thought I’d check my emails one last time. Then as I waited for my computer to bring up Google. I looked to the left of my computer and saw the flier. Oh Crap! There was this “miracle” event over at our church. About a teenager named Carlos Acutis (from Italy) (1991-2006) who died of leukemia at 15 and his list of miracles that he researched and collected were detailed and on display, with a film about his very short miraculous life, right at our very own local church, American Martyrs Church in Manhattan Beach. And it ended in 45 minutes! 

I was home alone, so without having to explain where I was going, I was out the door in 30 seconds. 

Once at the church hall, I wandered around, saw the short film, and read Carlos’ research. He was a kid. And he did all of this and died at 16?? Fascinated was an understatement of how I felt about Carlos, especially after the call I received about 45 minutes earlier from our local High School Pricipal about my own 17 year old son. The call was to tell us that our child, in a passionate attempt to get votes and win the VP seat on the Senior student council, scaled a wall to post his name for all to see. Problem was that my son had illegally broke into school when it was closed and posted a sign he would have only been able to post by climbing on the roof. Not only would he not run in the student government race, he was also going to be suspended for 3 days. Thankfully my husband has sales skills and convinced the angry faculty that our child needed a punishment that worked to affect him today, not ruin his record.

Learning about this kid Carlos, clearly a prodigy, ignited me to believe, we are all on our own journey.  How could I be angry with my son when Carlos, a God-like human, died doing something good?

When the exhibit was closing for the day, church workers gathered for their bi-monthly happy hour.  As I headed to leave, joyful staff, wine and snacks were laid out in front of the exit, and since I knew many of the employees there, they stopped me and handed me a glass of something (I don’t really know what) and a plate and asked me to stay. (Laughter, conversation and cocktail? Twist my arm!)

About 30 minutes later I realized dinner had not been started, I had to go home.  I quickly stood, said thank you, and ran to the door.  

Timing could not have been more perfect. As about 20 steps into the parking lot, I passed a dark-haired woman walking the other way, with glasses on and her head down. She looked like a younger version of someone I thought I knew. She hadn’t looked at me, but I was not hidden, she had to have seen me. But she hadn’t said hi to me? Maybe it wasn’t her? I gave it a shot and shouted, “Lauren?” 

The girl stopped and slowly turned to me, “hi….Laurie!”

I paused and she said, “I’m in a hurry…there is a mass for my friend who died.”

Lauren and I knew the same people and so I asked, “Oh no….who??”

“Jill X.”

The name sounded familiar but I couldn’t place the face.

Just then another friend came toward us, and I acknowledged her, “Kathleen, you going to happy hour or mass?”

Kathleen said she was going to mass and when I realized the two women didn’t know each other, I introduced them.

Kathleen said, “It’s…so sad…”

And then both turned to me and said, “Come with us…” and pushed me to walk with them. As we walked towards the church, I saw more people I knew thinking, “Who was this Jill…?” 

As everyone walked in for mass….I turned toward a table at the front of to the side. There on top was a couple of photos. I saw the name: Jill X.  She was pretty.  Golden hair and a pure simple smile. In one of the photos, she was with 3 kids, and no husband.  Hmm….

I didn’t feel good staying at seeing women who knew this Jill and not being able to be sure how I knew her. I walked back to my car.  And then, almost as soon as I climbed in and shut the door… it hit me.

JILL.

June, 2013.

My husband was having an affair and had just moved out of our family home.  I had just gotten on my feet and was looking for help or support and my friend Jerri had suggested, “You must meet my friend! She will help you. She is an intuitive! We are going to meet her for lunch. You will love her.”

I was sad, sick, bedridden, depressed and thin as a toothpick. The last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up and meet some wacko lady who thinks she can read my future?

Jerri was bossy, “We are going!”

Today I look back on these fuzzy horrific days as a blur. Because I could barely function, I remember my kids eating nothing by pizza and pasta and now I’m meeting some psychic who would help me?? I was not in the place to argue or defend myself because I could barely form a sentence, so I went.

I remember everything. The place we ate Tin Roof, where we sat (back left section on the right on a 4-top) We ate Brussel sprouts. Jerri sat to my right and Jill sat across from us and told me that my husband was not coming back.  The only way he would come back to me was if I stopped being enlighten and he got wiser. And given his state of “affairs” at the time of our lunch, he was not getting wiser any time soon. Jill also shared she was happily married with children who were happy and didn’t I want that for my life, didn’t my kids deserve to have this joy with a happy family? My friend Jerri was sensitive to me as I could cry like a faucet at any moment and also shared that she was happy with kids too and they both wanted me to be happy with a man, not with one that was off with some other woman.

I was kind and polite but stayed absolutely convinced this Jill lady knew nothing of me or my life or my future. I believe in God. God is my guy.  Anyone telling me what the universe was saying, or my enlightenment or his wisdom when they don’t know us, is a waste of time, because God and I have a direct line of chatting. And going direct to the Big Guy is way smarter than talking any middle man who know nothing of me and my life.

Although this was the first and last time I saw her, I thought of her often in the big “group” of people in town who truly believed I was a fool for thinking my marriage would survive my husband leaving and having an affair. 

I didn’t really know what was going to happen, but what I did know was that I had the right to have my own opinion to my own life and it was not one else’s business to talk about MY MARRIAGE!

(I sound angry, I was not a bitch to others, I just didn’t give them they time of day.  If you thought marriage was stupid or that my husband was stupid, I smiled and walked. I wanted my family. I wanted my marriage.  I knew I had to keep my hope alive and these other women and words they had for me darkened my spirit. I had to stay clear of them.)

Which is exactly why I do what I do today, to be your cheerleader.  To remind you of what I learned since after interviewing 1000’s and 1000’s of married/divorced people above the age of 65. That what you want, your family together, IS POSSIBLE!!!

Between God and me, I had my information.  That was all I needed.

Back to Jill.

After I had time to process the timeline, I reached out to a few moms I knew who knew her and expressed my sadness and asked how she had died. No response.  

Then I received a text back that said: Suicide.  

What? Why? How? What happened???

“Her husband left her…”
“He divorced her and took the kids.”

Wait? What????

I froze. 

How could that be? 

I then reached out to the woman, Jerri, who I had not talked to in an about 8 years. Not because of my choosing but because she steers clear of me. Her husband ended up divorcing her and today he is married with another child. I offered my help to Jerri when he husband first left.  She didn’t want him back. She was happy he was gone.  Did I believe her? Nope. But she didn’t want or need my help or suggestions. So I let her be.  

In my text to Jerri I said, “Hi…heard about your friend Jill…you okay?”

Jerri said, “Thank you for your concerns. But I know you were not a supporter/fan of hers so not sure why you are interested in what happened.” Then she added, “All 200+ people who were touched or saved by her showed up for her memorial on the beach.  She’s an angel now looking over all of us.”

I responded: Yes. She is a woman. A human. A mom.

Jerri said, “She was on this earth to help others completely selfless.”

Jill died on April 4th.
I found out on April 24th. In a strange and weird way. Almost like it was meant to be….sitting at my desk, poked to get to the Carlos miracle exhibit, poked to stay at the happy hour, walking out in time to cross paths with Lauren…

Strange?  Weird? God?

I still don’t know or understand what happened.  No one is talking about the details. And I keep hearing the same theme:

“It doesn’t matter…she’s with God…”
“She was an angel and had to go home.”
“She was a hero and had to leave…”
“She had a broken heart and wasn’t meant to be here longer..”

While that’s all nice and sweet, I see it differently: WTHH???

Why would a woman/mother leave 3 kids? What was going on with her? Who was by her side, in her ear?  She did a TED talk for God’s sake!  Why didn’t someone help her?? Her children must live on without here? the chances of them being suicidal are high. She didn’t want that.  What happened???

Don’t worry. I’m not walking around crazy in distress, but I am searching for the truth.

We failed her.

I live in a small community. And whether I was a “fan” of hers or not, she was a human and deserved to enjoy her children in peace.  We as a community failed her. We failed to save her.  And it makes me sick.

I wish I knew.
I wish someone had told me.
This is what I do.
I save women from suicide when he leaves.
I help them find themselves to get their husbands back and their children thriving again. 
I’d have helped her…not give up…to have hope.  

To have love and let him go….

I never had the chance. And I hope you, anyone, hears me calling if you need me.

I am here.

xoxoxo