Suicide, How To Help A Parent When A Child Commits Suicide

“Laurie, I have a an emergency and won’t be able to do the concert. My best friends son killed himself last night! The devastation is beyond comprehension but I’m jumping on a plane to be with her.”

That was from one of my extremely kind student-wives/clients who I’ve been coaching her almost daily to help her get through the pain of watching her husband fall deeper into his affair when all she wants is her family back together. And now this.  

Thankfully she’s flying to see them and will have a front row seat to the mess the suicide victims will never see: the horror that suicide brings upon a left-behind family. The young man who hung himself was only 24, and his pre-teen siblings found him. 

Shock. Sadness. Disbelief. Regret. Confusion. Crap that hurts. You can’t breathe and you can’t feel and You can’t stop it. Yet to the close family the world does stop. All is frozen. Time just ends.

Suicide is a massive mistake. The suicide victim didn’t know or see or understand there are other options. There are always other options. If you are reading this, share with friends, family and your kids, when life gets tough, retreat to bed and go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

I’ve trained my students/clients, who’ve had their spouses leave them for other women and men, to never be afraid to stand tall against a horrific life moment or challenge. Cause what we resist persists. So in the end, it is best to face it, head on, right away and stand for love and connection with those who are hurting. Like it or not, life just keeps going. Summer turns into fall and then winter and then spring starts it all over again.

Suicide Close To Home

A couple of years ago I had attended an annual fundraiser with one of my dear friends. It was a glorious calm beautiful night. I was on the beach, cocktail in hand, dancing in front of a live band singing covers of Bon Jovi, when I felt my phone ring.

I rarely carry a purse, so as the phone was buzzing in my coat pocket, I kept ignoring it because I was out. I coach spouses standing for their marriages wanting their husbands or wives home, every day all day and on that night, I was out for the evening. The coach in me always wants to answer and help every time, yet on this night, one I looked forward to for a long time things were different, they would have to wait till 10 or the morning.

Yet the buzzing didn’t stop.  The buzzing kept going…and when I finally pulled out my phone and saw that my 17-year-old, son, Ty was calling, I answered in a panic: “Oh My God what’s wrong?”

His voice was faint, flat and stoic.

When I asked him to talk louder, his tone grew angry. I wondered what he could possibly need from me, knowing I had clearly told him earlier I was going out for the night. When I was able to get away from the loud party scene, I heard the words clearly: “Just come home!”

“Wait? What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“Ryan…he shot himself.”

What?

Wait? What?

I was so confused. Ryan?  As my brain “rolodexed” through all of my son’s friends, my son Ty didn’t wait for me to understand and said:  “Mom! Ryan! Sean’s brother!”

It clicked.  Sean was my son’s best friend and Ryan was his older brother. Ryan was 20. His mother was one of my best friends.

Oh. God. No.

I froze. Just typing this now brings tears of that evening. 

The band grew quiet and the people disappeared. I looked at my friend Lisa who was watching my face waiting and said, “We have to go…”

Lisa was worried, “What’s going on?”

My brain was suddenly numb. It’s weird how our minds are so busy with one thing and then when something “bigger” and “confusing” comes in…our brains go blank. Like it shuts off. Or maybe it’s on a search for thoughts…to explain or understand. And we become quiet.

I thought of my friend, my poor friend who had endured a tough past fear years was just now getting settled. How she was feeling at that moment? Uggghhh. 

Mamma Bear was brewing, I had to get home to comfort my son! And drove so fast I’m lucky I didn’t kill us both.

I quickly dropped off Lisa and rushed to my own home to be a blanket for my son, who I assumed was at home waiting for me. Yet when I walked in the door, my entire family was out. And my son Ty, was not there.

I called him, “Where are you?”

Ty mumbled with a breathy voice like he was walking. I said, “Ty! Where are you?”

“Mom, we are at the hospital. He died. Ryan died, Mom.”

I was so confused, “Ty! Why are you at the hospital? Who are you with?”

“My friends,” Ty said, “We all came here to be with Sean.”

“Ty, you guys can’t do that!!” I yelled at him, “This is a time for the family to be alone honey, you all can’t be there…Ty just come home!”

Ty said, “Mom, we are at the hospital now! I gotta go.”

Click. He hung up.

I took a breath. My oldest, Ty, was almost 18 and always did things his way. And the group of friends that he had in his life, were all very close.

I started to worry. I imagined my friend, Ryans mom watching all these boys and feeling pressure that she had to worry about them instead of herself. Her son just killed himself and now my son and all his buddies.  All 12 of them. Would be in the way.  They were so young. So novice. At 17 years old. Facing a death…a suicide?  Ugh…what did they really know about death?  And how to support others going through pain?  What good would they all do there.  This was going to kill her.

Just as I noticed I was feeling sick my cell rang. It was another mom, Kim, calling, whose son was with mine.

When I said “hello…?” She spoke strong and short:  “Where are you? I’m coming to get you!”

Still in shock, I said, “Home.”

She said, “I’m coming.”

I asked no questions.  I just answered, “Yes….”

I went to the porch to wait and looked up.  A child just died.

I couldn’t think.

A child died.

I couldn’t breathe.

A child died.

How would Ryan’s mom survive this?

Her child died.

I would be ready to help. To do what? I didn’t know. I felt achy.

My friend, the Mom who lost her child will never be the girl I knew earlier today. He life was forever changed. She would change. I would change. We all would change.  It’s a hole in your heart forever.  And I’d be ready for whatever was needed of me.

The night was eerily quiet and I heard the car before I saw it. It came down my street and flipped a u-turn in our cul-de-sac and as it stopped at my home the back door fell open. No one said a thing. I got in.  Kim was driving and there were 2 other moms in the car.  Not a word was spoken.  Everyone was in shock. 

I was nervous.  Where were we going? I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t breathe. My heart ached for my friend. Ryan died mere hours before and now was I going to see her? Stand with the mother who will never see her son again?  What was I to do?  I’d been to funerals before but I’d never been in a home of a Mom the night she lost her child so suddenly.  I begged God to help me.

The car screeched to a stop in front of Ryans Mom’s home. Like firemen at the burning home, we exited like seasoned pros and raced inside. Where was she? The scene was scary…Raw.  Horrid.  Gut-wrenching.  Yet there was comfort in all the warm loving bodies that were now present in the home waiting for her to come back to her home without her son.  Ryan’s mom entered and when she saw us, she collapsed into a chair one of us pulled out for her. We huddled around her and over her as she sat hunched over on a chair sobbing and crying and screaming. By then we were at least 7 moms strong in total huddled around her like a mama bear protecting a new cub….silent…helpless…yet oh so loving.  Cause that’s all you can do.  

No one can take pain away from someone else.  Yet you can get there, be of comfort, sit in the pain with them. Yet the one worst pain on the planet: Having a child die. There is no escaping the pain of the loss of death.  This is the worst pain/torture a human can have.

I had been to her home dozens of times before. I have stood in that same room dozens of times before. It was normal. Safe. Secure. Even fun. Yet how could this happen here? There? Anywhere?  We never saw this coming.. During this huddle time…Kathleen didn’t talk, she just cried. Then when she looked around to see us, and thank us, she saw me and said something that will remain the greatest lesson I have ever learned.

Ryan’s mom, Kathleen, in the middle of the unbearable thoughts of losing her oldest child, spoke through her tears, “I saw Ryan’s cold body on the table, and we were walking out of the room when I heard the elevator open and there, coming out was Ty and all of Sean’s friends.  All of them! Came to support Sean!” Kathleen sobbed harder and harder, “I’m so glad they came to be with him. Ty is an angel for bringing them all together for me.”

Oh no. I was wrong! This family was grateful they had come! They needed people. With one son gone, her other son, her other living son, was now alone in this world to go forth without his brother.  

Kathleen saw that her younger son would never walk on this planet alone.  He had good friends that were willing to stop everything to be by his side with comfort and love on such a horrible night. And to a grieving mom, that was a wonderful gift.

Showing up for people when they need you most is the greatest gift you can give. This wonderful gift she will never forget on the worst night of her life! Had I been home, I would have denied the boys from going to the hospital. And oh how wrong I would have been.

I’ve been to hundreds of funerals and wakes and yet, I’m still learning.   I’m so glad the boys rushed to see their friend.  And I’m so so grateful I learned this lesson to share with you…and others.

Death is part of life. Suicide is a theft of life. A massive mistake. Why do these kids feel this is there only option for an out? And when it happens…our initial reaction is to run, hide, give space to those who lost their loved one.  But, in fact, the exact opposite is true. Those who lost a loved one need you. To hold them, sit with them, and just love them.

Your love, your presence, your human body in the room is all that is needed.  Just be there.  You don’t have to say a thing.  Just be there.  Breathe.  Show them you care.  Stay quiet and sit and let them talk. It will be sharing with them that they are not alone on this earth.   It will be the greatest gift you can give.

When someone dies, do not wait. Book the ticket. Go be with them. Sit in the yuck, sit in the muck and help them see that they are not alone.

You can’t fix it. You can’t make it better. Yet you can be a human near a human to help them feel better.