Secret to Successful Marriage #1

Secret to Successful Marriage #1

“The secret to a successful marriage is when
both parties secretly feel they got the better end of the deal…”  

My dad always added, “It’s a SECRET…you can’t go talking about it with your spouse…it’ll blow the whole thing!  It’s a secret!!!”

My dad was a smart man…married to my mom for almost 40 years (till he died).  If he was alive, they’d be still married.  For sure.

Lessons at Dinner:

He loved her.  He hated her too sometimes.  They were partners and they just figured it out and realized every day was a new day.  Packing up all your angry and annoyances from the day before, week before of years before, is a headache in itself.  They did not do that.  They talked it out and moved on. Quickly.

We’d go to dinner often and my dad used this time away from the mundane house of routine to show us the world and teach life lessons in action.  Often times at these dinner outings my dad would make the lessons about marriage and love.

We were young…like 8 to 14 when his words had the most impact on my brain.

He taught my brother how to open a door and pull out a woman’s chair for her.  He taught me how to know what a good guy looks like…how he treats you.  How he must treat you.

Violence Never Tolerated:

I remember I was 20 when I was laying in a bed with my boyfriend of 3 years when the boy grew angry with me and instead of talking to me, put his foot on my body and literally kicked me off the bed.  I didn’t get mad or angry.  I stood up and went to pack my suitcase.

I was visiting him and his family at their vacation home in Florida and once I was packed, I headed for the door and took a cab to the airport.  My boyfriend never moved after he threw that kick.  I heard later his dad was beyond angry at him and he tried to come get me at the airport and apologize.

Good Parenting:

Thankfully, because of my dad, how he loved me and taught me how a man is to treat you, I knew that kick was a sign of worse to come and I was done.  One kick.  Done.

I saw this boy a couple more times but was never romantic with him again.  To this day, it’s been a long, long time, he still check in with my mom to see how I am doing.

So when this MLC happened, I thought about my dad.  Would he be mad at my husband, who he once loved?  It was so hard.  I tried to imagine what he’d say or think, “What would my dad say to me?  Would he tell me to bail with three kids and a heart that still wants to be married to this man?  Or would he tell me to fight for my marriage and stay strong?”

I do know if my dad was still here, he’d have gone to my husband and clearly set him straight.  Some say if my dad was still here, my husband would never have had a MLC because my dad was a good role model/mentor to help him as times grew tough.

A Marriage Story/Lesson To All:

But who knows?  Sometimes he would hold my moms hand and tell my brother and I, “One day when you are older, you’re going to find a person to marry that is as kind and loving as your mom…”

Other times he’d point to an older couple sitting together at a table and not talking and say, “Look at that couple, they don’t like each other…when you are looking for that person to marry, find a person that you like…who you are friends with…and one that you never have enough things to talk about.”

He repeated these little lessons over and over.  I’m sure I heard the above 2 at least 10 times.  It’s probably why I still remember them!

And I did that.  I picked a man for a husband who opens my door, pulls out my chair and who I never run out of things to talk about with.

Which is why I went to older people after my husband moved out.  With questions and questions.  What happened in your marriage, what did you do, how did you get your husband back, why did you divorce, any regrets, what did you regret most?

People Can Help:

Older people have been there and done that. I absolutely adore older people.  They all carry secrets and answers and solutions to not reinvent the wheel again and again.  They know what works and what doesn’t!  They all have such a wealthy of information just waiting to spill out to the right person that asks the right questions.

I encourage you to go to whoever you have older in your life to ask about their marriage, what worked and what didn’t…and if there was trouble what they did?  I guarantee they will be honored you asked them.  Older people WANT to feel useful!  You have the power to help them feel wanted, included and part of our changing world!

If your husband is going through a midlife crisis or if you are feeling alone and he is gone or about to leave, remember, you control you.  What you think about you bring about. Your thoughts are what you are.  Every day. Ever hear that saying: “Change your thoughts, change your life?”  

It’s your choice.  How do you want to live your life?

 

 

 

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